Loss is a "funny" thing. There is no timeline, and it doesn't even have to make sense.
There are all kinds of losses too, and I'm not sure which are most painful. There is loss through death, miscarriage, loss of a preadoptive child, and loss of a dream. Those are the ones that I have faced. There are probably more kinds of loss I'm not even thinking of.
|He and I went on vacation together when I was in high school. We'd rotate between two state parks. This is my dad inside a covered bridge in southern Indiana.|
|One time my sister and I talked him into going to Mackinac Island. He didn't like to break from routine, so it took some convincing.|
Sometimes the loss comes after you adopt the child. You picture the child becoming part of your family, playing sports, going to the zoo, cooking out etc. You don't picture the child telling people you starve him, lock him in the closet and refuse to buy him clothes. You don't picture him telling other people that he wishes he lived with them because if he lived with them, he'd be able to make better choices. You don't picture your child causing friends to question your parenting and home life or taking all his siblings special treats and possessions. I guess that falls under loss of a dream too.
Lately it seems people have lost children to guns, tornadoes, fires and abuse. Sometimes it seems so crazy and so senseless.
Yeah, I do know I'm rambling. I think I'm trying to reprocess things I thought were already processed. Some of it is because of I just passed the 25th anniversary of my dad's death, some of it is because I realize our family is complete. We cannot get the state to work with us either for foster care or adoption. There are some blogs I don't read anymore because they promote adoption and foster care and we just cannot get anyone to listen to us.
Some of the reprocessing is because I have a son who is not making good choices. Who thinks that since he is in Afghanistan, he doesn't have to pay his credit card bills or his car loan and hasn't paid them in over six months. Investigators were hired to find the car. They'd never find it, and he'd come home to find himself in big trouble. So I told them where the car was. Now I am the enemy.
I'm also realizing a few other things I can't share publicly are not what I'd hoped.
I know this post is a bit depressing. But I bet some of you can really relate though, can't you? You've miscarried. Or you can't get pregnant. Or the child you wanted to adopt died or was adopted by someone who had the money. Or a family relationship isn't what you think it is. Or you lost a job or best friend.
That's when you remember, this isn't the end. And like Jesus told his disciples, "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”
And you look for the good. For me:
Tyler has had his job over a month and likes it. The Job Corp has reopened and he's back on the waiting list so will have to decide whether or not to keep this job or to go when the time comes.
Jessica is in summer classes and will be starting her senior year of college in the fall.
Adam is just days from graduation and is looking forward to marine boot camp and then college. (And then he goes into the marines active duty).
Jasmine tested into advanced band. She has made A/B honor roll 2 out of 3 grading periods and may make it this grading period too. Still waiting to hear about FCAT scores. Her team (the resource kids plus the intensive kids--all kids who struggle) won first place overall at field day.
The twins are both passing second grade. We are facing some issues right now, but they have made progress over the last three years. It's a step forward and two steps back. Right now we are on the two steps back, and I'm looking forward to the next step forward.
Any thoughts on loss?