Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Dealing with Junk Thoughts

I haven't been on here as much lately because it's kind of a boring time of year. And because I've been dealing with junk. Junk like wondering why I made some of the choices I made earlier in life. Junk like wishing I was at a different place at this point in my life. Junk like wondering why I chose the hard road instead of the easy road. Junk like wishing I could have some do-overs on the way I dealt with problem children and problems in general. Maybe it's the age, hmmm? Anyone else going through this. Stuck in "if only" or "why did I" land?

I mean, it's not that I don't love living just above the poverty line. (Sarcasm) Really, it's comparative. We have so much more than others, for instance our Haitian twins, whose dad was trying to raise them alone jobless and with only a banana leaf shelter. We look really good compared to that. But then I look at some of the people here who have nice houses on the water. Yeah, I think I need to keep looking the Haiti direction and be thankful for what I have.
My family is, of course, the biggest blessing. And sometimes the biggest challenge :) These were taken right before Jeff went to Afghanistan in October 2012.

I just would like to be at a different place at this point in my life.

Can you see how my brain is working now? A battle between being thankful for the life I have and the past I have had, and the wishing  I'd made some different choices way back. I have taken a very long road to writing filled with detours. When I went to college, the only writing available was journalism and I don't really like news. So I didn't go into it. I went with elementary education. Even have my masters. Didn't teach much because of all the moving with the military, and I am certified in no state now. With all the testing and politics, I really don't want to teach. It's just not fun anymore. There's a new breed of teacher and it's not the nurturers who go into teaching anymore. I wouldn't mind using the degree in some way though.

But on the up side, I loved being a military wife and traveling. Loved living in Okinawa (only 9 mos) and England. Seeing new places, meeting new people. I loved being a foster parent. But both of those things are over. Rick retired from service in 2001 when they were shoving everyone out the door at 20 years. Foster care did not happen for us in Florida. 

Adoption is a hard road. And we have adopted five children over the years. That's another "if only." If only more had been known about attachment back when we did our first two adoptions. If only we'd had a clue how to handle things. If only we hadn't been lied to. We've learned a lot along the way. But at a cost to the whole family.

I also have had some health issues since I was 16 that I won't mention on here but that have required me to plan very carefully and to miss out on a lot of things.

I used to run, swim and bike. I wish I'd kept with that even though it wouldn't have been convenient in some of the places we lived.

This post sounds rather depressing, right? Well, now you know why I haven't posted much lately. I keep reminding myself that there are people who would gladly trade places with instead of thinking about the people I'd rather trade places with. Bonus? Rick has really been there for me through this and we are closer than we've been in a long time. Love it.

I'm open to your thoughts on all this. Especially if you've been through this. How did you get past it? How did you let go of the junk and push forward?

Next post I'll update some things coming up for the kids and my book that is in process right now. Also the one Jessica and I are writing together. Excited about it, and it gives me something to focus on.

Alright, someone give me some good advice...please?


kayder1996 said...

Comparison is always the thief of joy. I've written several things on my blog over the years on some of those same feelings. I don't think there's any magic to getting over it other than telling yourself what is true and changing your attitude or changing your life (depending on which you need to do).

Kathy C. said...

It's more a comparison of what I could have been if I'd made different choices than a comparison with what others have ultimately. And a bit of self pity for an issue that has affected pretty much all areas of my life and limited many of my options.

Thanks for commenting!

Fatcat said...

There's always the road not traveled. I think that at a certain age, it all kind of hits you and you have to work through it. I don't know if anyone is immune to it, but some of us certainly seem to feel it more deeply.

I personally have started art journaling bible verses and trying to keep a gratitude journal/page. I'm getting ready to turn 50 and regretting mostly the things I have not had the courage to do.

Kathy C. said...

It probably is age. I tend to cycle through it every few years but this time it is taking me a while to come to grips with what I could have done compared to what i have done. Sigh. 52 years old.

Rose Anne said...

I complete hear you! thankful that I am not where I was a year ago...wish the past had not happened, but have meet some wonderful people because it did. who will be in my life for good!
wanted to have more kids but cant even fathom that with the past year....never figured I be living with my 2 sisters at this stage of my life...but there to I am thankful!
I would have taken all that Saul has gone through but I think God has big plans for that kid!
Just know that you are doing a good job cause look at the great kids you have!

Kathy C. said...

Thanks Rose Anne. I know you and Saul have had a tough year! Just crazy.