More Than I Wanted to Know

I wish I could say all is great here, and in some ways it is. But in others, it's not. I am learning more about the juvenile court system than I wanted to know. I wish I'd known about the teen court program long ago, but maybe it didn't exist.

The information below contains specific details because I know I am not the only one with kids who steal. So please pass on this post if it offends you.

Many of you remember that Kayla was charged with a misdemeanor for stealing $40 from Tyler, taking it to school and then leaving campus with friends to  spend it. Ty dropped Jasmine and Kaleb at their schools and was driving home near where Kayla goes to school and saw her waltzing down the street, arms full of shopping bags. She saw him and took off running. He called me, and I called the school.

They were waiting for her. Since she had stolen money many times before, Tyler went to the school and talked to the School Resource Officer (SRO) and pressed charges. However since he only pressed charges for those $40 and not the rest of his money or the money stolen from me,she went to teen court and was tried by other teens. Prior to going she had a notebook of information to read and answer questions about and essays to write. Three times they wanted to boot her out of the program, but we begged them to let her try again. Finally we told her we would not intervene again. If she had another violation she'd have to go to DJJ instead. At court she received an essay and community service hours. She ended up with an extra week for violations. 

She finished the program, but she has never really felt remorse. Since she stole from her brother, she does not feel that's really stealing. Then she took $5 out of Rick's wallet and recently took an iPod belonging to a family member and had no intention of returning it. However, she was seen with it, so I was told. This makes me think maybe teen court did not get her attention after all. Rick called the SRO, who of course remembered her. He let her know that removing an iPod from the house with no intentions of returning it is every bit as much theft as stealing money from a stranger. But she doesn't see it that way. And she really made that iPod hers, adding subscriptions, watching videos etc. And she got indignant that Rick called her SRO, but since the iPod was at school all week, it made sense. She complained to me about the SRO, and I told her fine, let's go to the sheriff's office and press charges, and she got quiet in a hurry. 

At the same time, Kaleb has been stealing from Ty for months. Ty always felt he was missing money, but couldn't prove it. Then he found money on Kaleb. 

I accused Kaleb of taking Ty's keys and opening his cash register style box from our shop. He said, "No. I didn't need to. I can work the money out the little hole on the top"!!! No remorse, no nothing. We made Kaleb list everything he'd stolen and from where. Hidden in Ty's underwear drawer, out of the bank envelope hidden in Ty's van etc. Almost $200 and that does not include what he's taken from me.

Rick has taken Kaleb to the sheriff before, and the sheriff said, "You need to apologize and stop stealing." I guess they never really listened. Ty got really angry last time because it was $50, and he needed gas for his van. So we took the list and Kaleb to the sheriff's office. Gave them the list and said Ty was pressing charges.

When they saw the list, they took him back for questioning. They were back there a long time. I wondered if Kaleb was trying to get their sympathy by telling them how horrible we all are. I don't know if it's just my kids, but they will lie about things to get the attention off of them and on us. 

The sheriff finally came out and said, "he's not going to teen court, he's going to DJJ." But I thought they said DCF and thought that he was getting off the hook and was filing an abuse charge or something. I started to panic, and Ty repeated what the sheriff had said. Then the sheriff said Kaleb was defiant, oppositional and showed no remorse. They booked him for 3rd degree felony and took him out in cuffs. 

Yeah, I lost it when I saw my 70 pound son cuffed and put in the back of a squad car to go downtown to DJJ. I picked him up three hours later, and he acted like nothing had happened. They indicated that there might be mental health issues, and I was actually happy because I've always thought that, but no one would listen.

The problem is that he's like two different kids. One calm, helpful, funny and a great kid. The other dark, defiant and a bit scary. The sheriff and DJJ saw that side. But by time we went to the mental health screening, he was calm, easy going and came across as a normal 12-year-old child.

So we waited for his court date. The sheriff said he'd probably get six months for a third degree felony, but when we got there, they'd changed the dollar amount (maybe they couldn't read the sheriff's writing?) and called it a misdemeanor. Since he is so small and young and a first time offender, they offered him a program called the juvenile alternative program. He didn't even have to go before the judge. He was sentenced 25 hours of community service, but his representative knocked it down to 15.  

He has not yet started the program, so I don't know what all is involved. But he is not taking it very seriously at this point. Maybe once the program starts he will. We meet with the lady in charge on Monday.

Right now we are dealing with two kids who feel entitled to steal from family members and who have negative attitudes about being asked to do extra chores to make up for what they've taken. Hopefully this will end once they really realize it is not getting them what they want.

In the meantime, we continue to have family circle two nights a week, and a game night one night a week. Everyone takes part no matter the behaviors during the week. I did not do this when the first two adopted children were having similar issues, but I wish I had. Still, it was a whole different situation and I doubt either of them would have wanted to take part in a game time at that time. Still, I wish I'd had something fun that was unconditional each week. But it's hard to see that when you're in the middle of it. And their stealing was constant. Every single day. But mostly it was not money as with the twins probably because the other kids didn't have that much money at the time, so there wasn't the option to steal money.

At times I'm tempted to send both twins to bed before games, but I know that sharing fun times is important to bonding and feeling part of a family, so we do it.

I've also told both of them that they can try out for track this month, but if there are stealing violations or seriously poor behavior, they will give up that right. We will see what happens.

The biggest difference between the issues with the twins from the issues with Jeff and Adam is that I've learned not to take it personally. Now I will just say, "I see that you've chosen to do X, and I accept your decision to give up X" (a movie, playing outside or whatever they would have been allowed to do). They will say, "I didn't say I wanted to give that up," and I will simply remind them that their behaviors made the choice.

So this is the end of a long true life post. I wonder if any of the rest of you are dealing with stealing, lying etc and what has worked for you.