College Visit

Tyler, Jessica and I went to UWF yesterday. Ty has been accepted for fall so we wanted to look things over.

Ironic that out of six students visiting, another one was from our church. The college is three hours away so kind of funny to see someone we knew.

In the library.

Practicing strategies for sleeping in class with this kind of desk.

Free soda for visitors!

Three mile bridge on the way home.

Stopped at another beach we wanted to check out as a possibility for a day trip.

Love the color of the water here.

Finally got some lunch around 2 p.m.

They cook the pizza in a 1000F fire for three minutes.

She couldn't resist.

Dancing in Doggy Heaven

Not the cheery post I promised. We got Cheyenne right after the big hurricane. She was abandoned here, probably by someone who couldn't keep her in their hotel room, but she was exactly what we were looking for to keep Scrappy company. We knew she was an older dog.

I took her to the vet a few months ago because her eyes were clouded over. I asked him how long she might live. I was really surprised when he said we'd be lucky if it were a couple more years. I had no idea. I know she's had trouble with her hips lately but so have I and I'm only 49! (I can no longer jog, have to walk).

Yesterday she just tipped over side ways and rolled down the outside steps. Then she seemed okay, just stiff. Who wouldn't be after that? But a few hours ago she started trembling and whining. And then she just went quietly. I went to check on her a few minutes ago and she was gone.

I wonder if Scrappy will miss her? We brought him in so he could see she was gone. I don't know if he gets it or not.

Tyler and Jessica are at a retirement dinner for a close policeman friend and I don't want to have to tell them. I think they suspect, we all did.

Okay, so I don't really believe in doggy heaven. I know she's just gone, but it's a comforting image.

Never Say...

Never. It's more than a popular preteen song, it's parenting advice.

I would never send a child away.

I would never make a child leave.

I would never believe bad things about my child.

I would never blame my adopted child for his behaviors.

And so on.

Really?

How do you know?

Where is your limit?

I recently had someone post some rude things on facebook first about people who write about depressing things rather than cheerful things, and then about people who give up on the children God gave them.

The better "never" might be, I will never judge another mom since I'm not living her life. But I sometimes catch myself doing that. I see a mom scream at a child in the grocery store and I congratulate myself on being smart enough to shop alone and to not yell at a child in public. But maybe that mom has no one to watch her kids and this child has been acting out all day. Maybe she's just too frazzled to deal with it calmly.

I don't always make the right parenting decisions. In fact, 13 year ago when Jeff came home, I made some bad ones. I tried to use logical consequences--You stole his treat, you use your allowance to replace it. This made no sense to him. Because we weren't dealing with a child who thought about actions and consequences. Little was known about attachment. Or maybe it was but you couldn't just go on Internet and look up the topic and get ideas and support like you can now. Our nearest attachment counselor was 3 1/2 hours away and she wanted to see the whole family every day for an hour the first week. Oh, and it was about $300 a session not covered by insurance. Couldn't do it.

We went through the lies, manipulation, stealing, false reports to teachers about abuse, threats against the other children by his "friends" and so on. I hated getting up in the morning. And I was beginning to hate being a parent. I love that now there are some respite care options for parents, and those are great. But two children were bringing our whole family down and we decided to get one out-of-home care for one. The place we really needed to send him was $3,500 a month out of pocket and we couldn't do that. So we settled for somewhere that would at least keep him, and my other children, safe.

We assumed he'd be home in a year or two but the years passed and they never felt it was to the point where he could make good decisions outside of a very structured environment. I agree, and unfortunately I do not think he's to that point yet. But he graduated high school in December, and we decided to bring him home until he went into the army. We thought it would just be a couple of months, but it turned out to be a five-month delay.

So we had him get a job. The money went to his head. He was buying trash and watching it, refusing to get rid of it even though it violated our values and rules. He refused to buy anything he needed--undershirts, socks, etc but spent $45 on "man spray" and the same on T-shirts. If we tried to give him rules, he'd say he was his own man. If we tried to get him to take responsibility, he'd say he was 18 and didn't have to.

We could not continue living that way. If you have children with attachment issues, then you know what that feels like. And when they are just weeks short of their 18th birthday it gets very, very complicated. I did not feel like I could keep either him or the younger ones safe any longer.

Two of the other children decided to use the chaos from this situation to try and get away with some things of their own. One lost privileges he had just started earning. He needs to prove he is trustworthy to be allowed to just hang out at the mall and around town again. He will be driven and picked up from activities and from the job he starts Saturday.

Although some parents believe in never removing a child from the home, our family is not the best place for Jeff to be. And it is not healthy for the younger ones to watch an almost-adult challenge parents and absolutely refuse to do something. What can you do? If you physically force them, they cry abuse. Take away stuff, he buys more. There is no option when a child absolutely refuses to obey. If they are younger, there are things you can do. Not when they are almost an adult. And I cannot allow his anger to be turned toward the younger ones. When he got angry at a friend at the camp, hit put his fist through a wall and broke his arm. 'nuff said.

Hope to have a happier post soon, but needed to address those who feel they can judge our family without being in this situation. It looks different from the inside. If you don't think so, just go to a high school and pick an angry, rebellious senior and move him into your home and force him to follow your rules. Because an unattached child feels like a stranger, especially when he hasn't lived with us since he was 12.

Beach Run

Yesterday morning was the beach run. The flyer said to meet at the beach house at 6:30 a.m.. My kids were there, but the others had walked the 1/4 mile down to the beach already and started the run down there at 6:30! So my three started way late, but it didn't really matter because it was for fun and they didn't even time the 1.5 mile run.

I was a bit bored waiting, so I took pictures of random things. Like these bird tracks.

And the water coming in.

Jasmine started out wearing shoes, but Adam ended up carrying them for her! What a nice big brother.

The water was beautiful.

The girls took advantage of being barefoot by running through the water. Jasmine even stopped to pick up shells druing the run! (Good thing it wasn't a timed run)

It was very peaceful since the other runners were already gone. They were all adults and with the head start, they finished by time mine were half way. Only the two men in charge were still there.

Jessica helped Jasmine get the sand off so we could drop her off at school. We were only two minutes late! Adam had late start due to testing. The twins didn't run this because they aren't ready for it and it wasn't really for children, but they will be running the 1/2 mile Bunny Hop Saturday morning.

Weekend

I've added more books to my list of 100 picture books everyone should read. The list is HERE. I tried not to do more than 2 or 3 books for any one author or it would be easy to fill the list up with Seuss, Berenstain, Asch, Richard Scarry and McCluskey and be done with it. Which of the books have you read to your children? Which do you own?

The weekend was full. We colored some eggs. Jessica helped Jasmine, Kayla and Kaleb. Adam made one later, but I don't have a picture.

It seemed like everyone was in a pretty serious mood while we colored eggs. Maybe because they haven't done it before. Jasmine has, but it's been a few years.

Jeff was still here, but he ignored us and stayed in his room. But that's pretty much how it has been the past few weeks. There was a lot of tension knowing that he was leaving.

Saturday morning I took Jasmine to Sear's Portrait Studio to get her picture taken. She looks so good. There are stitches up the back of her neck but we did her hair straight, not in braids, so you can't even tell. She did great and I'll post those once I have them. They'll be done the 29th.

After seeing Tangled, I told Jasmine I knew a horse like Maximus. The kids didn't know that Jessica and I have taken a few riding lessons. We go Friday mornings while they are in school, and haven't really talked about it because we weren't sure if we were going to continue or not. It's pretty expensive. We've gone six times since Thanksgiving when we started.

Adam was not sure about the horses. He never did let one eat out of his hand, but he did help feed them from the buckets.

I only had Adam and Jasmine with me. Tyler and Jessica were at work, and the twins were not being obedient at home so no outing for them. That's kind of my rule--if you won't listen to me at home, how can I trust you to listen to me when we're somewhere else? Running around crazy, screaming would have spooked the horses and I'd be in trouble with the owner.

Doesn't he remind you of Maximus from Tangled? He's been boarding at the farm where we ride, but his owner is back from an overseas tour, so he'll be leaving. He's the one I ride, and he's easy.

This is the horse Jessica rides now. Since Runner is leaving, I moved to the horse she'd been riding, and she moved to this one. She's happy because her original one can be temperamental, and now I'm riding him.

This was Adam's favorite. He's only one and not gelded yet.

The man from Jacksonville showed up for Jeff around 8:30 p.m. Saturday. A lady from the camp was with him too. I'm kind of disappointed because I gave them a bag of gifts for Jeff for his birthday next week and asked them to put them away until then. Then I found out they watched one of the movies we'd given him for his birthday on the trip from our house to Jax. I would have thought they'd honor my request about his presents. Oh well. He just won't have any to open on his birthday. I sent an Easter basket full of goodies too, and they probably ate those on the way.

We went to the bay after morning church Sunday. It was a little cool (74F) but I wanted to take the jet ski out and make sure it was running okay after sitting all winter.

Jessica and Anthony hadn't changed yet because Anthony had a job interview. He hasn't been able to find a job (maybe not looking too hard because both Jeff and Adam were able to get jobs within two weeks of starting to look)so I suggested he go to Burger King and apply Saturday morning since Jeff's last day was Friday. Obviously there would be an opening. Sometimes timing is everything so we told Anthony to go to BK and apply and be really friendly. Both my boys got their jobs because they were told they seemed friendly and had nice smiles.

So Anthony went to the interview and was told to call today before 3:00. I'm hoping that since they told him to call, he has a good chance of getting the job.

Everyone was at the beach except Tyler who had to work, but the twins didn't make it into the pictures. I didn't really take very many pictures this time.

It was a beautiful day, but the spray in my face was cold! It's supposed to be in the 80s this week so the water should warm up some.

Jessica, Adam and maybe Jasmine are doing a 1.5 mile beach run at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow. Early, but that's about the time everyone is leaving for school anyway.

Friday I am taking Tyler, Jessica and probably Adam to UWF to look it over, and then Saturday is the Bunny Hop 5K and 1/2 mile run.

Adult Children part 2

Okay, as promised, a post about the other three adult and almost-adult children.

Tyler and Jessica are in Explorers. This is a police department program for kids 9th grade and up. You don't have to be going into police work to be in it. They do learn police procedure in the weekly meetings, but the color guard unit marches in parades, all the Explorers help with parking and security for events, they patrol the malls and walk people to their cars Friday and Saturday evenings between Thanksgiving and Christmas. They host a party for one of the poorer schools. There is also a Swat team. During the summer they go to a rugged boot camp and also have competitions. They do bike work and ride alongs.

Jessica was not in it before because she had dance, tumbling and marching band. Then she decided she wanted to go into criminology about a year and a half ago, and she'd quit marching band, so she joined Explorers. Tyler has been in it about 4-5 years but not totally involved because he doesn't plan to go into police work. >

Jessica got to know Anthony at boot camp last year. Then he started hanging out at the bay with us, jet skiing and kayaking. He and Tyler did some exploring by kayak.

These aren't the older kids, but they went along to support the older kids. Adam had gymnastics and tumbling and didn't get there until it was basically over.

Jessica got three awards--sixty hours training with academy, 16 hours training and 25 hours involvement and one-year award. She also got promoted to corporal.

As I mentioned earlier, Adam is in tumbling and gymnastics. He has been doing pretty well minus the incident with the iPod. Sometimes the kids get upset with him but it's just differences in personality. He's a lot more outgoing and harder to ignore. He turns on the charm with the girls and when in trouble. But if it's not a values issue, I can accept it.

We have a wide spectrum when it comes to personalities from very introverted to very extroverted. It can be challenging to sort out what are personality differences and what are behavioral issues.

Adam just got a job at Church's Chicken. There is a delay in his paperwork so he hasn't started yet.

Tyler got his acceptance to UWF. He has to pull up one grade first. He is hesitant, but he needs to try this. Money is going to be an issue and he'll have to apply for loans. I think he needs to try being away at college for a semester. And the community college doesn't have his program. He could do one more semester at the community college but that's it.

Jessica has another year at the community college and then she can transfer next door to FSU for the underwater crime scene major or other criminology major, she can go into the police academy or she can go to UWF. Well, there's hundreds of choices but these are the ones she's considering. She's not sure she can scuba dive due to some damage to her ear.

I am taking Tyler, Jessica and Adam on a college visit to UWF next Friday. They've been before but now that Tyler has his acceptance there are certain things we need to be looking for.

All in all, I'm proud of these three, happy that they are all Christians (as in born again not as in we are a Christian nation) although there are different levels in how openly they live it. I have talked to all four older children about this recently trying to find out how real it is to them and making sure they aren't just living by a list of rules. Each of them has an idea of what they want to do in their adult life and how to achieve it. And they are getting much better at supporting their siblings in their activities. Each has summer plans that we'll share more about as the time gets nearer.

All for now!