Orlando

We planned another weekend with Tyler. Remember that our snorkel trip was canceled due to a tropical depression. This time I checked the weather before buying him a Universal/Islands of Adventure two day pass. The rest of us have FL resident passes that expire next month. Well, the forecast was for a sunny weekend when I bought them, but that all changed quickly and a rainstorm moved in.


So we went to Wonder Works since we were already in Orlando. I didn't check the weather right before we left, or we would have found something closer to do. But I had already reserved hotel rooms anyway.


I took a picture of practically every child doing every activity so I'm just going to post a few.





Jessica had her hand in 28F water. This is how cold it was when the Titanic sank. The 36 is how many seconds she's had her hand it in. It got painful very quickly. I don't know how anyone survived the cold water. We only had our hands in, their whole bodies were submerged.

Ready to experience hurricane force winds.

Wow.

They had an earthquake machine too. The twins went in it and it didn't trigger any memories for them. I know some kids have real trauma from the Haitian earthquake, but mine don't.

Bubble room. Jessica and Jasmine

Tyler and Jasmine

Jessica using pulleys to pull herself up.

Kayla

Everyone tried the pulleys, but only Tyler and Adam successfully pulled themselves up.

Only Jasmine and I didn't do the bed of nails. Kaleb took it in stride.

Kayla wasn't so sure.

Jessica on the giant piano.

Rick

Jasmine

Me

Kaleb

Tyler in the shuttle.

Jessica

Tyler

Ready for the ropes course. It was tame compared to the one at Stone Mountain, GA but only Jessica and Jasmine did that one, so it was new to everyone. Kayla and I stayed on the ground. That was for behavior reasons not heights. Tyler and Jessica used our passes later.

Adam

Tyler giving Kaleb a hand. Kaleb did awesome. You could tell he was scared, but he kept going and didn't ask to go down.

Rick

Tyler

Jessica

Jasmine

It cost $179 to get everyone in and that included all the activities except laser tag. One turn on the ropes course and one time in the 4D simulator. We spent six hours and could have stayed a lot longer but it was a holiday, Saturday and a rainy day in Orlando so it was literally packed wall to wall. I'd like to go to the closer one some day when it's not so busy.

Tyler and Jessica went back to the hotel with us to check, then returned to Wonder Works by themselves and got home at midnight! They loved it. I'm glad the day turned out really well even though we didn't get to go to Universal. Tyler and Rick and possibly Jessica will go another day because I already have Tyler's ticket paid for.

More news and photos to come.

Favorite Scriptures

A lot of people have favorite Scriptures, but I can't really chose just one that is my favorite. I guess maybe I have different favorites depending on the need or season of life. But I decided to try and think of my favorite "all purpose" verses. I've posted the first four that come to mind.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

This was the school verse at the Baptist school I attended for jr hi and high school but we used KJV for everything and this is the NIV version.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I know many people claim this as a favorite, but it's important to know it was really written to the Jews in exile to remind them that God hadn't given up on them.

No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith. Galatians 6:10

I know I have more favorites but can't think of them right off, what are your favorite Scriptures and do you have different verses that have meant more to you during different times in your life. For instance, when we were going through a long adoption, we had a list of about six verses we claimed for that time.

Speaking of difficult adoptions. I have some posts to write, including one about a child that should have been ours and why he isn't, but I have to be careful about what I say because I have a public blog. I've put off writing so far but may share it since a few people have asked if we are done or not. (We don't really have an answer for that, but we are not specifically looking.)

I'll also be posting pictures of our Orlando trip soon. And sharing some of the devo project I'm writing for Tyndale for 2013.

A Lighter Post

There have been a lot of photos and sayings posted on facebook lately. Here are some I've noticed.
This one (above) is dedicated to all who are engaged in the battle of the bulge!

This one is dedicated to those who struggle with punctuation.

This one is dedicated to Jessica and all the other good girls who get overlooked.

This is dedicated to Shy and all the other kitties who make this so true.

This is dedicated to Jessica who is taking Women in Literature this semester (and to those in her class who think everything is talking about sex.)

This is dedicated to all the adoptive moms who are struggling with difficult children.

We are in Orlando and should be back Sunday evening.

(How Not) To Train Up a Child

Warning--this post is long. And it is all my opinion. You are free to disagree. Just do it nicely.

I won't buy the book How to Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl because I will not add to the 1.8 million they've already gotten in royalties. But it's online so I skimmed it, and I have several thoughts on it. If you really want to read the book, you can read it HERE. I think it's an older copy because it has a different cover the the picture below. (I saw it with the danger sign on someone's blog and thought that was pretty much true.)

There is just so much wrong with the book it's hard to know where to start. So let's start with the three children who are known to have died at the hands of people following the practices in this book only taking them to extemes. And that is not the author's fault, but his book sets the stage for it. Obviously, lots more children are being beaten in secret and in isolation since this book says that every family should home school. It's only the three who have died that brought it to light. Home schooling makes it easy to get away with the abuse. And I am NOT saying that all home school families are abusive. Many of my blog readers home school. Several due to adopting children who are way behind in their education. But the extreme ones are totally isolating their children so they can have total control. (And I do not include the Duggars in this group as I have seen some do because those kids are out serving others and going places)

Four-year-old Sean Paddock died in 2006 from being wrapped so tightly in blankets that he was suffocated. There were long bruise marks on his backside. His 9-year-old brother was beaten so badly he limped. After investigation the mother was charged with first degree murder.

In 2010 seven-year-old Lydia Schatz died after being beaten repeatedly for hours for making a mistake during her schooling. Some reports say she mispronounced a word, others say she misspelled a spelling word. The beatings broke down muscle tissue allowing the organs to be damaged until death resulted. Her sister was left with kidney damage from beatings. There doesn't seem to be any pictures of her anywhere, but this one of her parents is all over the Internet.
And of course there's twelve-year-old Hana who died last May after being emotionally and physically tortured over a three-year time frame. The mother repeatedly said she didn't like the child. My question is, if she really didn't like the child, why not send her to public school so the girl could get her schooling and the mother could have a break from her? And the boy adopted with Hana could have really benefitted from the special needs services he would have received in a public school,

But on to the book itself.

First of all, the book is poorly written. This is the first paragraph. It doesn't grab me.

When you tell some parents they need to switch their children, they respond, "I would if I could find someone willing to trade." (I don't understand what he means by that) I have had children in my house that would be enough to give an electric wheat grinder a nervous breakdown. The parents look like escapees from a Second World War, Polish boxcar. Another hour with them, and I would have been searching the yellow-pages for discount vasectomies.(I don't find any of this amusing. And the WW2 thing is just plain disrespectful to those who went through it) While we try to sit and talk, the children are constantly running in and out of doors, complaining of ill treatment from the others, begging to go or stay or eat, or demanding a toy that the other children will not relinquish. The mother must continually jump up and rescue some breakable object. She says, "No" six-hundred and sixty-six times in the space of two hours. She spanks each child two or three times--usually with her hand on top of a diaper. Other than misaligning the child's spine, it seems to have no effect. I have no clue what he's trying to say, and he appears to think he's funny as illustrated in this next passage also:

"BEHOLD, THE SECOND WOE"! Just last night while sitting in a meeting, I looked over to see a young mother struggling with her small child. He seemed determined to make her life as miserable as possible--and destroy her reputation in the process. She had the "Why me?" look on her tired face. He kept defiantly throwing his bottle on the floor (assisted by her picking it up and handing it back to him) and making angry noises that forced the preacher to scream louder and louder. With threats of increasingly embarrassing displays, he forced her to put him down on the floor where he proceeded to audition for circus clown while insisting on procuring a neighbor's property. When she tried to prevent his thievery and rescue the stolen goods, he kicked his feet like an eggbeater and screamed his protest.
It was enough to make you believe the Devil started out as an infant. I am just thankful that one-year-olds don't weigh two-hundred pounds, or a lot more mothers would be victims of homicide. (Is that supposed to be funny?)It causes one to understand where the concept of a "sinful nature" originated.
He makes a lot comparisons that he seems to think are funny throughout the whole book but really they're just junk writing.

The author goes on to compare training children with training all kinds of things such as animals, soldiers, and mules. From the introduction:

These truths are not new, deep insights from the professional world of research, rather, the same principles the Amish use to train their stubborn mules, the same technique God uses to train his children. They are profoundly simple and extremely obvious. After examining them with us, you will say, "I knew that all along. Where have I been? It's so obvious."

Our children are not animals. We can reason with them, explain the correct action or responses to take and urge them in the right direction.

The authors are judgmental and dogmatic.

Never even consider sending your children to private Christian schools, much less the public, automaton factories. Whether a classroom is based completely on Christian education or on secular principles is not the issue…God didn't make teenage boys and girls to sit together in a classroom every day while real life outside passes them by.

If someone wants to home school, fine. But not everyone is called to that and not everyone is capable. If you don't have a gift for teaching, let someone else teach your child. Just because you send them to a school, doesn't mean you aren't still responsible to teach your values and beliefs to them at home. You can still read to them, discuss important issues and even use what they are learning in public school as a spring board for some good character and values building conversations.

Spanking is not for infants! Spanking should not be the only form of punishment.
Select your instrument according to the child’s size,” writes Pearl. “For the under one year old, a little, ten to twelve-inch long, willowy branch (stripped of any knots that might break the skin) about one-eighth inch diameter is sufficient. Sometimes alternatives have to be sought. A one-foot ruler, or its equivalent in a paddle, is a sufficient alternative. For the larger child, a belt or larger tree branch is effective.” Additional advice from their Web site: Switching with a length of quarter-inch plumbing supply line is a “real attention-getter.”

He paints a picture of God as a punisher.

"No chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous... (Heb. 12:11)." God's chastisement is a painful "whipping." Our "fathers of the flesh... chastened us after their own pleasure... (12: 9, 10)." The Scripture not only condones physical "scourging," but promotes it as a means to holiness--when ministered for the son's "profit."
The chastisement is represented as a sure sign of love: "for whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth. " If there is no chastisement, it is not only an indication of not being loved, but of being a "bastard" So we see that out of the very love of God springs chastisement. Thus, our original passage in Prov. 13:24, "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. "
If God's love is expressed by the "whippings" He gives, then can we not love our children enough to chasten them unto holiness? I have heard a rebellious teenager say, "If they only loved me enough to whip me."

There is a time and place for discipline, but this man's whole emphasis seems to be about punishment. Really, if you set the boundaries and have guidelines, your whole day doesn't have to be about punishment. And I'm talking about your average child, not the ones who came to you with serious emotional and behavioral issues. Even then, the emphasis should be on teaching other things such as life skills, bonding and attachment and shared activities.

I would reserve the physical punishment for outright defiance. With the twins, we give them a chance to correct the behavior. Next we move to jumping jacks. This replaces time out for us because they just brood in time out. So we get some energy out. And it doesn't harm them. One tends to be lazy so it's a better thing for him that being told to sit, which is what he wants to do anyway! If that doesn't work, we sent them to think on their bed, or if it's evening, we send them to bed. If that fails, then we spank. So it's the third or fourth option. And it's three swats, not ten like the Pearls suggest. It's one extra if they kick, bite etc. during the three swats. One likes to take off running and at first I'd chase her, but then she was winning so now I just wait. And she gets the fourth swat.

Pearl says, Don't think of the rod as a weapon of defense or a show of force; think of the rod as a "magic wand."

Here are their guidelines for spanking. It sounds as though the child is the enemy to be completely defeated. Well, that's pretty much what he says.


The child should be able to anticipate the coming rod by your utterly calm and controlled spirit.
At this point, in utter panic, he will rush to demonstrate obedience. Never reward delayed obedience by reversing the sentence. And, unless all else fails, don't drag him to the place of cleansing. Part of his training is to come submissively. However, if you are just beginning to institute training on an already rebellious child, who runs from discipline and is too incoherent to listen, then use whatever force is necessary to bring him to bay. If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final.
Otherwise, tell him to bend over on the bed or couch; and while he is in this position give some choice admonition. You have his undivided attention. Slowly begin to spank. If you go too fast, you may not allow time enough for the inner transformation to occur.
Use your own judgment as to what is effective. I found five to ten licks usually sufficient. Sometimes, with older children, usually when the licks are not forceful enough, the child may still be rebellious. If this occurs, take time to instruct and then continue the spanking. A general rule is to continue the disciplinary action until the child is surrendered. A spanking is made effective, not by its severity, but by its certainty. Spankings don't have to be as hard where they are consistently applied. Your calm dignity will set the stage to make it more effective.






Their severe potty training rules and bedwetting rules will just make the kid more nervous and more likely to have accidents. This following advice concerns a three-year-old!



So, my suggestion was that the father explain to the boy that, now that he was a man, he would no longer be washed in the house. He was too big and too stinky to be cleaned by the babywipes. From now on, he would be washed outside with a garden hose. The child was not to be blamed. This was to be understood as just a progressive change in methods. The next dump, the father took him out and merrily, and might I say, carelessly, washed him off. What with the autumn chill and the cold well water, I don't remember if it took a second washing or not, but, a week later, the father told me his son was now taking himself to the pot.


Okay, I could go on and on. You can read the junk for yourself. And there may be a few good parenting tips in the book--like at one point he suggests parents spend time playing on the floor with their children--but it's just not worth it to find them.




I guess my parenting is common sense parenting. We take the kids potty one last time around 10. They don't get drinks after supper. If they wet the bed, they take all the stuff to the washer and they shower.


Not liking a food is not a spanking issue as far as I'm concerned. The little ones have to try a few bites of everything because it was all new to them just 20 mos ago. If you throw the vegetables on the floor, you'll get a bigger helping the second time. If they hit the floor again, you aren't hungry and I'll put your plate in the fridge until you tell me you're ready to eat it--vegetables and all. But I don't let that carry over and at no time do they go to bed hungry.


The bigger ones pretty much know what they like and what they don't. If they don't like what I fix, they can make a sandwich. I don't make a separate meal, but neither will I let food issues spoil a meal. If it happened much, we'd have to rethink it. Jasmine really only likes pastas and doesn't like any kind of meat. She has to eat a little and has to eat the vegetables (there are usually two to choose from).


If a child won't pick something up, it goes to the utility room for a week. If they destroy something, it's gone. I don't replace it. If it belongs to someone else, the offender replaces it even if they have to clean the bathroom for a week to earn the money.


Some things are just common sense, and not everything requires a spanking. I'd save it for defiance. Sometimes parents get "creative" with discipline. I've heard of making them drink nasty stuff if they lie and things like that. I would just think about what that really teaches them and if it solves the problem. Also ask yourself, "How would this sound if they told their teacher about it?" because kids do share what happens at home and teachers do have to report things they consider abusive. Since they don't live with your child, something may sound abusive to them because they haven't dealt with the issues. When two of my boys were constantly stealing, I sewed all their pockets shut. I had a teacher become very concerned about that, but I simply pointed out that having pockets is not necessary to their emotional or physical health and that you can purchase pants without pockets, but I didn't want to reward their stealing with new pants.


Some things are just childish misunderstandings or lack of experience issues. Never spank for those. Explain the expectations or how to do something, then let the child try again.


My final point is, I think this man is arrogant claiming his way is the right way and acting like people's criticism makes him more holy. No, it's people starting to recognize child abuse.




From an article by Michael Pearl (notice he refers to himself in third person in the first line)


You may have noticed No Greater Joy and Michael Pearl receiving a lot of negative press lately over advocating corporal discipline as part of a comprehensive child training program. Television reporters came out to the office. We were in newspapers from coast to coast. Even CBS, after running an uninformed criticism of us, offered to fly us to New York to answer their unfounded charges on The Morning Show. I was eager to answer, and readily agreed. Those of you on our email list were immediately informed and many of you prayed for the will of God to be done. CBS called for a pre-interview and then canceled the afternoon before the show. I think they discovered in the pre-interview that I was not the Bible thumping caricature they had hoped. (No it was Barbara Curtis urging everyone to call or e-mail and ask them to examine what he teaches and at least invite a few other people to present alternatives to his discipline method)One news outlet reviewed and gave a very positive review, saying there was nothing in our material that would ever lead to child abuse. On the bright side, our sales skyrocketed this month. Even before this recent publicity, one out of every 75 Americans have been introduced to our ministry.
It’s a battle I would not have fought so boldly twenty years ago when we still had small children at home. The potential for institutional retribution is too great—almost a certainty. But I am now too old to be intimidated, and the battle is much bigger than the spanking flap. They’re not just coming after me, but all parents who believe parenting is a God-given responsibility.


Not so. I think most of us feel that way. We try to find what works best for each child. We try to find nurturing ways to help them make right choices. We don't believe spanking is appropriate for every single infraction.


Their family is HERE. Look at all those pretty little grandchildren. I pray they aren't raised using his methods!!


These comments are all just my opinion. I am not a parenting expert but I have 1 step child, 2 birth children and 5 adopted children. We also fostered 11 children. I have a master's degree in elementary education. But my thoughts are just from my own experiences and what I've learned and from common sense.



Okay. I'm done. Your turn.

No One Asked Me

I'm sure everyone has already heard about this STORY.



A thirteen year old girl, Hana, adopted from Ethiopia in 2008 died from abuse and neglect. The parents say the girl was rebellious and had to be punished. But rebellion included standing a few inches from where she was told to stand or getting the answer to a math problem wrong.



I read the whole 16 page report filed and it was ugly reading. The parents had very strict punishments that included Hana eating alone outside no matter the weather. She was often given frozen vegetables as her meal. She had to use an outside port potty and was often showered with an outside hose year round (she lived in WA state and it gets cold!). She was put outside hours at a time in the cold as a punishment. She basically lived in a dark closet. One of the biological children said in an interview that she was taken out every other day to walk around and exercise. She hadn't participated in family meals or home schooling for over a year because she was living in the closet. She had gone up to two days at a time without eating. She was not allowed to celebrate her birthday or Christmas because she didn't deserve to. She stood outside in the cold on Christmas day watching through the window. Excuse me, but wasn't Christmas about Jesus coming to give us abundant life through his own life, death and resurrection?



There was such a long list of inhumane punishments that I can't remember them all but you can find the 16 page report on line. But she finally died because she was out several hours in cold rain without adequate clothing. She was so thin she didn't survive it.





I have seen people comment that the girl probably had reactive attachment disorder and a very difficult child. There is nothing to indicate that. Her crimes were not knowing how to shower correctly or moving off a certain spot.



Even if she was difficult, she deserved food, clothing, shelter from the cold and somewhere appropriate to sleep. The price for a warm shower or meal was 30 days of good behavior--by the parent's standard of good. And if she had attachment disorders--and who could blame her--locking her in the closet days on end is not a good attachment tool!




Many of us have dealt with difficult children, children who acted very unlovable at times and downright hateful at others. But you still act in the best interest of the child. You feed them because that's what they need. You give them a safe place to sleep because that's what they need. You give them clothes that are adequate even if they aren't the latest name brand.



I think one reason this family got away with the abuse is because they were so self contained. They were home schooled and often home churched. The girl (and also the boy adopted with her) were seldom seen. That allowed the torture of this girl to go mostly undetected. I am not against homeschooling, but I am when it's used to control the children.




If this family were struggling and just unsuccessfully trying different approaches, I would understand. We don't all discipline the same. I had a child who would tell people that we starved him and locked him in a closet. He would say whatever would get him sympathy and get people to buy him things. He was a pro at manipulating people. But he was gone to public school eight hours a day and there was never a mark on his body or a time when he didn't have adequate clothing. At times he would intentionally destroy his clothing and tell people he didn't have any. He would eat his lunch on the bus and say I wouldn't pack him a lunch. His closet was such a mess there would have been no way for him to be in the closet besides which, our closets don't have locks.




Yes, there were times he was given extra chores. And push ups and spankings (we rarely use this anymore). He missed out on some fun times. There were a few times when he had sandwiches instead of a hot meal, but those were a result of him refusing to do something he was supposed to do and there was a chance for him to correct the situation and join us should he choose to. And he was given two sandwiches, a vegetable and a fruit.




So in a way this case catches my attention because it's what a child accused us of, and what a few people probably wondered if we were guilty of, but with social workers in and out constantly to check on foster children and all the children in the public school, it was obvious these things couldn't be going on. My child ran races. He played soccer. He went to church. He went to school. He went to camp.



And the case catches my attention because I can't believe that parents could be so abusive. They hated the girl. The mother complained to a few friends that the girl was wrecking her life. She had wanted a very young child. Then why did she accept the referral of an older girl and boy? And if she hated the girl so much, why not call the agency to find the girl another home? There are plenty of adoptive families who have readopted a child whose first adoptive home didn't work out. Yeah, I think it would be hard to adopt a preteen from another country. She is used to her own culture, language and food and is probably pretty set in her ways. It would take a real nurturing spirit to teach her new ways while not taking her own culture from her. But it can be done and I know of parents who are dealing with teen children from Haiti and from China. It's certainly hard at times, but they are making it one day at a time.



I know I'm venting. I have five adopted children. It's not always easy, but it's what we're called to do. And most of the time we love it. Our adopted children are doing great right now. At least, no differently than our bio children. I'm venting because a child who was brought to the states for a better life is dead. A child who may or may not have longed for a family to love her received only harshness and pain.





No one asked me, but you got my opinion anyway. Feel free to post your comments whether you agree with me or not. But be nice.

Soccer, Tiling, Jet Skiing

On Friday Jessica and I took beef & broccoli and sweet & sour chicken to Jasmine's school and had lunch with her.

I got a new treadmill although I had to wait a while at Sears because all the sales clerks were busy putting an assortment of Christmas trees up!

I really like my old one and didn't need all the new fancy stuff, but the old one would shut off abruptly between 20 & 30 minutes. We replaced two parts and it still did it.

This room got tile. This is it with the old carpet.

Anyone sitting around got put to work by Jessica.

You have to start at the exact middle of the room and tile outward in pyramids to make it look right. If you start in a corner and work out, it's not centered.

That means you have to cut little pieces for around the edges.

Done

Jasmine had soccer Saturday. She's in the training league not the recreational league so it works a little differently. And it meets for two hours, not one. They all have the same shirts instead of uniforms so some have to wear the "bibs" for games. There are about 25 in the U11 group.

Jasmine gets the ball in play.

She made the goal but she came right over top me so I didn't get a picture. They use these little portable goals for the training league. It's the kids who are getting ready to play on the competition league. I don't know that she will though. She does great when they play with smaller numbers like 3 on 3 or 4 on 4, but if it's a full sized team, she just watches everyone else get the ball.

The one that got by her! She had it, and then she let go or something and it went right into the goal. After that she just kicked the ball any time it got near the goal!

Sunday after Sunday school we took the jet ski to the bay for the last time until spring. The wind was cool, but the water was warm. Yep, the pie irons are still around. Looks kind of like it would make a good branding iron doesn't it? Thankfully none of the kids have tried that yet!

The finished pie.

With the cooler weather, some people were in jeans and sweatshirts and others in swimsuit. The bay wasn't very crowded at all. Guess fall is really here.

Jessica does a lot of the grilling. One group goes to the bay and gets the food ready, while the other group loads the jet ski and kayaks.

Kayla. Jessica is sitting backward as my spotter.

Adam and Jasmine

Rick and Kayla

I don't have a lot of pictures because right after this one, someone changed the camera setting and the pictures were all white from glare. It was disappointing because Jessica had taken the camera on the jet ski to get some of Adam on the knee board. But we'll go again next spring.

So that was our weekend. It kind of seems a week long!