Life Isn't Always Pretty

If the last post is to be believed, I only have 9 readers, so I am uncertain about continuing this blog. I do have one connected to my website (listed on the side bar), but that is more general. Editors and publishers want to know that you have a presence online, so that one is more topical and human interest rather than family oriented.

And truthfully, it is hard to know what to write on this blog. Sometimes the truth isn't pretty. Like, at this time I am still at Adam's house stalling on going home to a house with holes in the roof and mildew on the walls, but which the insurance company is unwilling to give us enough to repair. I'd much rather move, but we still owe a lot on it. However, if we remain in a manufactured home in a flood zone our insurance will be unaffordable. We already pay close to $3,000 a year insurance and another $800 flood insurance.

Another truth is that one child had to stay behind because he's on probation due to two arrests for theft. I also wouldn't bring him because he thought that taking matches out to the Armada, lighting them and dropping them on the floorboard while my husband drove was a fun activity. No concern about whether or not they lit the carpet or any of the stuff on it on fire.And some days he can't go more than ten minutes without arguing or being downright defiant. I didn't need to deal with that on a trip where we were going to stay with another adoptive family who already has enough issues with their own adopted children. When he wants, he can be cooperative and helpful. He's like two different children in one.

Life isn't always pretty and it isn't always neat. Some days are good, some days need a do over. Our time away has been mostly good. We've visited some places, played games, watched movies (mostly the kids as I have a 20 minute attention span when it comes to movies.) I've had a chance to talk to another adoptive mom who gets it when I talk about my kids. 

But it hasn't been without incident. I hate that the school gives the middle school students chrome books. They can access the Internet from them. One child was supposedly working on her math while I went out to get some things we needed. Checking her history later, she had actually watched over 59 videos on You Tube. She's already been warned about this and has been caught twice before. She even lost the computer for a week the first time and two weeks the second time even though it is an inconvenience for the teachers who like to assign everything on the chrome books and use them for testing. This time she won't get it back until school resumes the 13th (they've been out since the 8th of October and return Nov 13!!) and the school can put it in the penalty box, meaning she can use it only for schoolwork, and Internet is blocked.

So there's the good, and there's the not so good. I'm sure that's true not just for adopted children, but birth children at well, but I've been fortunate to only have had only the typical occasional bad attitude or arguing from my birth children. There were days they couldn't breath too close to each other without arguing with each other (that is still true on occasion!), but that seems to be pretty common.

I have lots of  photos to post, and I'll get to that soon. This is National Novel Writing Month (Nanowrimo), and I have my 50,000 words to write. This is my third year doing it.

Kid Updates part 2

Last time I updated on Ashley, Tyler, Jessica and Jeff.

A comments on Jeff's. Even though I reconnected with Jeff, he does not want any birthday presents from any of us. I was hoping that we could rebuild some sort of relationship and also meet my new daughter-in-law.

Next up is Adam. He does not live in town anymore. He was sent to Albany, GA for active reserve. He had said it was only for six months, but it's been at least a year. He is cleaning out his house here, so I think it may be permanent.

He does not seem to be lacking for friends.

Jasmine is in her second semester at the children's theater. She is too old, but they let her stay. In fact, she is in the Tuesday/Thursday class, but they asked her to also play her character for the Monday/Wednesday class too. The person playing that character dropped out. So Jasmine will be busy between now and the performances the first weekend in May.

She is really struggling with school. We have to figure out how to deal with the classes she has little hope of passing. She may have an extra year of high school, or at least a half day. I don't know if she can do some of it online this summer.

She helps me in the shop most of Saturday and Sundays after church. She is the one who check batteries in all the toys.

Kaleb is still in the JDAP program. He completed his community service hours, but his case worker gave him 20 more for breaking Rick's windshield. Eventually he will catch on. You do stuff, there are consequences. When I mentioned to his caseworker he was going to Teen Missions this summer, she looked at me and said, "Who gave you permission to sign him up for camp?" I said that he had been signed up long before JDAP. She basically said, too bad, he's in the program now. So we will see. He will have to knock off the behaviors and work with his counselor. 

Thing is, he can be a great kid and a big help. But he can also act out very defiantly, especially with Rick. In fact on weekends when I'm on the shop, he automatically goes into defiant mood, decides he is not going to do any of his weekend jobs and starts acting out. It usually means he goes to bed early and misses the extra fun stuff. Why he does it is anyone's guess when he knows it will mean a loss of privileges. He sometimes regrets it later, but couldn't care less at the time.

He was able to bring all his grades up to C's and up which is good. He is in state testing now.

Kaleb loves the little girls. Even so, he wasn't willing to cooperate in getting ready to celebrate Winter's birthday tonight so had to go to bed early. Crazy crazy!

Kayla has some of the same issues as far as not cooperating, but she functions much higher socially/emotionally. She is signed up to go to camp, but we got a letter concerning her behavior last year. She told us she was very cooperative and helpful. Not so. There was a long list of behaviors, but none of them were cooperative and helpful. To return this summer she has to write an apology letter and a promise to follow all the rules and have a positive attitude or she will be sent home. I know she can do it. She is very capable of cooperating, and I think she would possibly have leadership skills if she would chose to.

She finished track, but only ran two of the four meets. Her school chose not to run the make up meet from a rain day, and another time she skipped practice so her coach wouldn't let her run. She was not outstanding, but I think she'll be a much stronger runner next year.

Child Nine. No progress. It is looking like it will not happen. Our county is the most adoption unfriendly one I know of!And yes, we can handle another child. We have dealt with so much already and we know where to go for help and how to get resources.

Winter turned one yesterday!

More Than I Wanted to Know

I wish I could say all is great here, and in some ways it is. But in others, it's not. I am learning more about the juvenile court system than I wanted to know. I wish I'd known about the teen court program long ago, but maybe it didn't exist.

The information below contains specific details because I know I am not the only one with kids who steal. So please pass on this post if it offends you.

Many of you remember that Kayla was charged with a misdemeanor for stealing $40 from Tyler, taking it to school and then leaving campus with friends to  spend it. Ty dropped Jasmine and Kaleb at their schools and was driving home near where Kayla goes to school and saw her waltzing down the street, arms full of shopping bags. She saw him and took off running. He called me, and I called the school.

They were waiting for her. Since she had stolen money many times before, Tyler went to the school and talked to the School Resource Officer (SRO) and pressed charges. However since he only pressed charges for those $40 and not the rest of his money or the money stolen from me,she went to teen court and was tried by other teens. Prior to going she had a notebook of information to read and answer questions about and essays to write. Three times they wanted to boot her out of the program, but we begged them to let her try again. Finally we told her we would not intervene again. If she had another violation she'd have to go to DJJ instead. At court she received an essay and community service hours. She ended up with an extra week for violations. 

She finished the program, but she has never really felt remorse. Since she stole from her brother, she does not feel that's really stealing. Then she took $5 out of Rick's wallet and recently took an iPod belonging to a family member and had no intention of returning it. However, she was seen with it, so I was told. This makes me think maybe teen court did not get her attention after all. Rick called the SRO, who of course remembered her. He let her know that removing an iPod from the house with no intentions of returning it is every bit as much theft as stealing money from a stranger. But she doesn't see it that way. And she really made that iPod hers, adding subscriptions, watching videos etc. And she got indignant that Rick called her SRO, but since the iPod was at school all week, it made sense. She complained to me about the SRO, and I told her fine, let's go to the sheriff's office and press charges, and she got quiet in a hurry. 

At the same time, Kaleb has been stealing from Ty for months. Ty always felt he was missing money, but couldn't prove it. Then he found money on Kaleb. 

I accused Kaleb of taking Ty's keys and opening his cash register style box from our shop. He said, "No. I didn't need to. I can work the money out the little hole on the top"!!! No remorse, no nothing. We made Kaleb list everything he'd stolen and from where. Hidden in Ty's underwear drawer, out of the bank envelope hidden in Ty's van etc. Almost $200 and that does not include what he's taken from me.

Rick has taken Kaleb to the sheriff before, and the sheriff said, "You need to apologize and stop stealing." I guess they never really listened. Ty got really angry last time because it was $50, and he needed gas for his van. So we took the list and Kaleb to the sheriff's office. Gave them the list and said Ty was pressing charges.

When they saw the list, they took him back for questioning. They were back there a long time. I wondered if Kaleb was trying to get their sympathy by telling them how horrible we all are. I don't know if it's just my kids, but they will lie about things to get the attention off of them and on us. 

The sheriff finally came out and said, "he's not going to teen court, he's going to DJJ." But I thought they said DCF and thought that he was getting off the hook and was filing an abuse charge or something. I started to panic, and Ty repeated what the sheriff had said. Then the sheriff said Kaleb was defiant, oppositional and showed no remorse. They booked him for 3rd degree felony and took him out in cuffs. 

Yeah, I lost it when I saw my 70 pound son cuffed and put in the back of a squad car to go downtown to DJJ. I picked him up three hours later, and he acted like nothing had happened. They indicated that there might be mental health issues, and I was actually happy because I've always thought that, but no one would listen.

The problem is that he's like two different kids. One calm, helpful, funny and a great kid. The other dark, defiant and a bit scary. The sheriff and DJJ saw that side. But by time we went to the mental health screening, he was calm, easy going and came across as a normal 12-year-old child.

So we waited for his court date. The sheriff said he'd probably get six months for a third degree felony, but when we got there, they'd changed the dollar amount (maybe they couldn't read the sheriff's writing?) and called it a misdemeanor. Since he is so small and young and a first time offender, they offered him a program called the juvenile alternative program. He didn't even have to go before the judge. He was sentenced 25 hours of community service, but his representative knocked it down to 15.  

He has not yet started the program, so I don't know what all is involved. But he is not taking it very seriously at this point. Maybe once the program starts he will. We meet with the lady in charge on Monday.

Right now we are dealing with two kids who feel entitled to steal from family members and who have negative attitudes about being asked to do extra chores to make up for what they've taken. Hopefully this will end once they really realize it is not getting them what they want.

In the meantime, we continue to have family circle two nights a week, and a game night one night a week. Everyone takes part no matter the behaviors during the week. I did not do this when the first two adopted children were having similar issues, but I wish I had. Still, it was a whole different situation and I doubt either of them would have wanted to take part in a game time at that time. Still, I wish I'd had something fun that was unconditional each week. But it's hard to see that when you're in the middle of it. And their stealing was constant. Every single day. But mostly it was not money as with the twins probably because the other kids didn't have that much money at the time, so there wasn't the option to steal money.

At times I'm tempted to send both twins to bed before games, but I know that sharing fun times is important to bonding and feeling part of a family, so we do it.

I've also told both of them that they can try out for track this month, but if there are stealing violations or seriously poor behavior, they will give up that right. We will see what happens.

The biggest difference between the issues with the twins from the issues with Jeff and Adam is that I've learned not to take it personally. Now I will just say, "I see that you've chosen to do X, and I accept your decision to give up X" (a movie, playing outside or whatever they would have been allowed to do). They will say, "I didn't say I wanted to give that up," and I will simply remind them that their behaviors made the choice.

So this is the end of a long true life post. I wonder if any of the rest of you are dealing with stealing, lying etc and what has worked for you.

Teen Court

Some of you have messaged me asking how the Teen Court program works. 

I am going to answer the questions here as I hope this information may help another parent who is going through some of the issues we were and who may find teen court works for that child. I don't know if every state or even every county has this program.

This program is for first time misdemeanor offenders to give them a chance to avoid the DJJ program.

So for Kayla, this is how it worked. (She is okay with me sharing this info). She and Kaleb had previously stolen quite a bit of money from myself and Tyler. He gave them warning that he would press charges the next time. 

The next time came too soon. Kayla took quite a bit of money from his shop money which was in my room in a box under my bed. She told him she needed to be to school early for band practice, so he dropped her off and then dropped off Jasmine and Kaleb at their schools. The trip home took him back close to Kayla's school. 

Ironically, it timed out that he saw her walking down the street with several friends loaded down with shopping bags from three stores and Burger King. It was only five minutes until school was supposed to start. He called to her, and she took off running. He called me, and I called the school. They were waiting for her when she arrived. She said the money belonged to one of the other girls. The principal separated them and questioned each one separately. The other girls all agreed it was Kayla's money.

She was in trouble with the school for leaving campus (quite a ways from campus too) once she had arrived and with us for the theft and also leaving school as well as lying about needing to be there early.

We attempted to return what she'd bought ($40 of soda, junk food and candy) but she didn't save the receipts and the shops wouldn't take it back. I put it away, and she snuck in, got it and ate much of it.

A police report was filed through the school resource officer, and she was turned over to teen court. This was at the very end of the school year. The next day she punched another student in the face and did not finish the year. Everything was scheduled to happen two weeks later which was just before our North Carolina trip and before she was to leave for mission camp, and we pleaded for her to be able to go so no one lost any of the $2,100. They agreed only if she'd have the homework done ahead. She was given a notebook that included information about shoplifting, different terms used in court and to describe crimes and some other things. She had to read them and answer questions. She had to write two short essays and one long one about the importance of goals and achievement. I had to coach her through that one. 

She did not complete the work and was told she had to go to DJJ. We again pleaded on her behalf. They let her stay in the program. She went before a jury of peers, there were also two teen lawyers. The jury was made up of kids who were also in the program. After the lawyers presented her case, the jury was allowed to ask questions, and all of them asked her why she thought it was okay to steal from family and why she'd bought so much junk food (the teen court lady had brought pictures of what she'd bought and also told them the total amount over all that had been stolen over the past few months that we know of).

The jury went out to discuss the case, then came back in and Kayla was assigned 32 hours community service, a 500 word essay about family,  a life skills class and four jury duty details.

Kayla was also interviewed by a child protection place, and since she was mad about having to give up soccer due to Saturday community service, she vented quite badly. So we ended up having to deal with DFCS. We voluntarily entered the Empowerment Parenting program, and they say we are their model family. They've suggested some of our ideas to other families even.

Kayla was told to report at 7:00 a.m. four Saturdays with work gloves, a lunch and a gallon jug of water. She late for her second community service and was given a strict warning but was allowed to stay. Then she was late again and turned away. That meant she not only had to make up that one, but she was given an extra one. And she was given a 500 essay about the importance of being on time.

And here's the problem. There are new kids in the program, so she couldn't do the make up days the following two weeks. She was bumped to September 23 and October 7. October 7th is the day that Jasmine, she and I chose for our girl's weekend out. The hotel is non refundable, so Jasmine and I will be going without her. This is not by my choice, but by her choice not to get up. She has to get herself up and get all her supplies ready. She also got smart with the sheriff in charge, who then requested she be removed from the program. For the third (and last!) time, we worked out the deal about the essay and extra week in order for her to finish the program.

So now she just has one community service day until she has completed the program. They have warned her that she has used up her one "get out of jail free" card very young. However, the stealing seems to have ended. She arrives home 5-10 minutes before the rest of us, and she has been responsible in getting the dogs out and fed before we get home. 

If she successfully finishes the last day of community service and does a few jobs she owes us, she will be able to try out for the middle school basketball team. She does have to bring her grades up to be eligible, but she has made a good effort.

Because she is missing the girls' weekend, I got tickets for Rick, Kayla and Jasmine for a local father-daughter dance. She doesn't know yet. It is Friday, and I will post pictures. I will say this ahead. Our girls wear nice church dresses for dances up until 9th grade. It was that way for both Jessica and Jasmine, and it will be that way for Kayla. Hopefully she will accept that Jasmine will be wearing a homecoming dress (it was Tuesday night, but Jasmine chose not to go due to too much homework so didn't wear the dress) and she will wear a church dress of her choice.

I meant to post this a couple of days ago, but got caught up in other things. So now you have the story. And I'll try to post dance photos a little more promptly.

Hanging Out at the Beach

Trying to get a little sun before we have to go back to school on Thursday.

Jasmine looks upset, but really she is just concentrating.

 If the weather holds, we are driving to the springs a couple of hours away tomorrow. We, however, are involved in a family empowerment program now due to a child venting, so we have to work around that. The program was optional, but new strategies never hurt. Funny because one lady wrote down a couple things we do that she wants to try with her kids. And a couple of time the two ladies looked at each other and whispered, "Why are we here again?" 

I think we are going to have a good time with them, and hopefully the struggling child will find her way. But it all goes back to the choices she made which landed her in teen court which meant she couldn't play Saturday soccer this season as planned. And that was so awful she didn't think she could cope with life. If that is the worst thing that ever happens in her, then she will be blessed.

How many days until school starts? Thursday for us.

Who's Left

Most of you know that we live in the Florida panhandle. None of the panhandle kids are ones that would fit well in our family. So we are looking out of county. Our limit is 5-6 hours because we have to make so many visits. Well, it turns out that many of the boys we'd chosen are in Miami or just as far down the state on the west side. Two are in Tampa and two are in Jacksonville --a little under six hours for Tampa and a little over 4 hours for Jax. Here are the two Tampa boys and the two Jacksonville boys.

CHRISTIAN --TAMPA

Age: 15

Christian is a polite, reserved, intelligent young man. His hobbies include video games and playing basketball. His favorite subject is math and hopes to become an Architect. Christian's favorite foods are pizza and chocolate but won't turn down any food offered to him.

  PARRIS --JACKSONVILLE

Age: 13

Parris is a talkative and social young man. He is physically active and enjoys yoga and tumbling. He says that he is pretty good at a back handspring. Parris's favorite color is blue and he loves to eat Mexican food. Parris also mentioned that he enjoys attending church. Parris is open to being adopted and wants to be a part of a forever family. He would do best in a family who can provide the love, support, and structure that he needs. A family that can help Parris get involved in dance, gym, and gymnastics and help him grow in those areas. Parris wants a mom and a dad and is open to siblings.

TOMMIE-- TAMPA
Age: 13

Tommie is an active, inquisitive kid who loves family and having fun. He's a diligent student who strives for good grades and he especially enjoys reading. Tommie likes sports of all kinds but is particularly good at football and dodgeball. He's a natural leader and would make a great coach or mentor one day. Family is important to him and he is eager to become part of one!

ANTWAN--JACKSONVILLE
Age: 15

Antwan is an outgoing teen who describes himself as smart and intelligent but with a playful side. He enjoys making people happy either by making them laugh or cooking 
them a meal. He is very active and is hoping to join the track team at his school this coming year. Antwan also has a creative side which he exhibits in drama and performing R&B and gospel music. Antwan is looking for a fun and accepting family that will be there for him throughout his life. Antwan has the potential to accomplish so many great things and just needs the love and support of a committed adoptive family. He would be a joyful addition to any family!

Christian is the first one I discovered on the list. He's in a group home in Tampa. I have not made contact with his case worker. 

Tommie we are not sure about. He's young and we don't get a good feel for him from the little they say.

We fell in love with Parris' photo online, but the fact that he just turned 13, is adorable but still on the list makes us think he has issues. He is only 11 month older than the twins. We hope for the new child to be more of Jasmine's "buddy."

Antwan has become our favorite choice. He goes to church. He sings gospel music, acts and wants to run track. He sounds like a perfect match.

The problem is that he doesn't want to leave his county. 

Parris' caseworker called us today and asked us to send our home study. She can't tell me anything about him until she gets our home study, but I did tell her I have twins about a year younger and she said that wouldn't be a problem.

We have had a situation come up suddenly that we need to deal with before we decide, so please pray for that situation to be resolved.

We also have the situation with Kayla to deal with when she gets home from camp. I really feel she will work through the stealing and lying. We will be constant and supportive while that happens. Kaleb too. He just wasn't in on the last incident so does not have to go to teen court. Kayla's worker would like him to be there though so he can see what goes on. I am hoping the five weeks at mission camp will have an impact on them.

That's all our news for now.

In the next post I'll talk more about our trip, and the one Rick and Tyler are on right now.  

After North Carolina

After North Carolina, we all went different ways.

Felicia's group left first.

Our husbands

Us

Felicia and crew and friends ready to roll.

Ty, Adam and Tara left next. They left around 8:00 p.m. Sunday night and drove through the night. They made great time since there wasn't that much traffic at that time.

Saying Goodbye

Rick and the twins left for camp on Monday morning and drove from NC to Merritt Island, FL. I would love to say that I think these weeks at Mission Camp will make a difference, but as I look at the photos Rick took I see that she is NOT wearing her work boots, she is wearing my Rue 21 boots that look like work boots but aren't. We talked about her maybe getting those for later but that they weren't work boots. Yet there she is with them. Also with another siblings' clothes etc. The twins also ate Rick's work food and snacks from the van in addition to their own. He even stopped and grilled sausages for them on the trip down! Kayla also lied about having her court homework done, so I do not know what will happen at this point. Prayers for changed hearts appreciated.

In the meantime, Jasmine and I drove to Indiana. We went to Clifty Falls State  Park for just a couple of hours. The falls weren't very important this time of year.

Then the next day we drove on to Elkhart, near South Bend on the IN/MI border to visit my mom and sister.

With my mom and sister. We come in XS, L and XL sizes!

Jasmine's first elephant ear. At the Jazz festival.

With two high school friends.

From there Jasmine and I went on to book convention. In the meantime, the used transmission I'd just gotten before NC began to leak. More to come.