Who's There?

Well, from my roll call it appears readers are a combination of singles, married with no children, married with biological children, adopted children, foster children or any combination of those three, and grandparents.

If I had to identify myself, I would be:

• a mom of two biological children
• a mom of one step child
• a mom of five adopted children, three of whom are from Haiti, one adopted after coming to us as a foster child and one privately adopted through Bethany Christian.
• a grandmother of two "step grands"
• a grandmother of one bio grand

but really I'm just "Mom," "Grandma Kathy" and "Gigi." Doesn't really matter how any of the children joined the family as far as considering them mine. It matters as far as what behaviors or genetic tendencies they brought to the family, though.

If you don't know my crew, here they are:
Rick:

He takes care of all of us.

Tyler:

He works custodial at the mall and enjoys making costumes for comic con. He currently lives at home.

Jessica:

She has a criminology degree with an underwater crime scene investigations certification. But she currently is mom to 8-month-old River and works part time at a restaurant on the beach. She is married to Hunter (who does not like his picture taken.)

Jeff:

Jeff is in the army. He has attachment issues and currently is not in touch with any of us.

Adam:

Adam recently started a new job. He's also in the Marine reserves. He doesn't live at home, but he stops by, and he supports the younger kids in their endeavors. 

Jasmine:

Jasmine is a singer and drummer. She also enjoys drama.

Kaleb:

Kaleb is a runner, swimmer and beginning trobmbone player.

Kayla:

Kayla is the tallest of the three. She just started trombone on Wednesday.

Ashley:

My stepdaughter Ashley is a hair stylist.  She and her husband Mike have two children, Griffin (9) and Phoenix (12).

Mike's sister (white shirt) is also in this picture.

Me with all three grandchildren.

There is a six year gap between Adam and Jasmine, and then a four year gap between Jasmine and the twins. However, there is only 12 months 3 weeks and a day between Tyler and Jessica. And Jeff is on the mid line (within a day) of Adam and Jessica. So those four are 26, 25, 23 and 21. Jasmine is 15, and the twins are 11. Ashley is 7 years older than Tyler.

I'm going to comment now on some of the comments on the roll call post.

 I enjoy reading about the 'adventures' you take with your family!


When we travel, we have the motto, "It's all 

about the journey." So we try to find new 

things to do along the way. We also try to

find new things to do nearby that are

inexpensive.


When the four oldest were younger and we

moved to new places with the military,

we always told them we were exploring

when going anywhere new in case it didn't

work out. Since they didn't know where we

were going, they weren't disappointed if we

couldn't find what we were looking for, 

because we always found something!



It's also fun to meet up with other adoptive

families and be able to tell people, "Oh,

this isn't a lot of kids with us, we have 

19 between the two of us!Plus sons in laws

and grandchildren."

 Interested in adoption stories.


I have shared about the adoptions along the

way and if you've followed, you know that

recently, Jasmine met her birth mother for

the first time that she could remember.They

were last together when Jasmine was a 

newborn.


You may all know that when we moved from GA

 to FL we tried to certify for foster care,

but we have five under 18 and that was the

 limit. Later when we tried again, GA 

wouldn't send our records, and FL wouldn't

take us without. We applied to adopt, which

 they accepted, but we unlike some states,

they don't immediately try to match you with

a child once you're approved. You have to

look at the listing and have your home study

sent for each child you're interested in.

We were never chosen. Then they stopped

updating home studies unless someone chose

 you for a child, but even when a case

worker from another county asked for ours

in 2011,they wouldn't do it.



Well, we have gone back and forth on whether 

or not our family is complete. The older kids

think yes but say it's up to us (which it 

is), but the younger kids think no. 

Jasmine especially wants a brother her own

age because all the other kids are in 

"pairs"-- Tyler and Jessica, Jeff and Adam,

Kaleb and Kayla. It does feel kind of 

empty with only three in school. And

Jasmine is a sophomore in high school!


We called just to see if the state would be

willing to update our home study. They said

there is a new class (we did MAPPs three

times!) and we'd have to take the class. So 

we are going to take the class. Are we

going to adopt another child? Who knows.

That remains to be seen. The class doesn't

start until September 27. If we were to 

adopt, it would be a teenage boy.




Have read all your blog and learned so much about managing 

children.

I am still trying to figure it all out. My

biggest mistake with the first two adopted

children was to take things personally.

They'd steal anything I set down and lie 

about it, and it was very hard to separate

the child from the behaviors, and I was

angry a lot. Now I take it in stride, tell

them they made the choice to do such and 

such and by doing so, they have also chosen

______ and I set the consequence. They don't

steal nearly so much, though, and I'm able 

to talk with them about it. They can be

quite stubborn though, but they did spend

the first almost five years of their lives

doing pretty much what they wanted since

the orphanage was so overcrowded.


We do many things as a family that everyone 

takes part in. And there are some activities 

that require a child to display trust and

responsibility to take part in, so they

realize that their choices may mean not 

getting a certain privilege or activity

because they have display the correct 

behavior to get it. 



We do lots of do over, and I do lots of doing

the right thing whether or not I feel

like it!


I have a parenting blog HERE that has more 

formal parenting topics.


I'm interested in the choices for homeschooling, charter schools, 

and how adoption works out for families....

I talked a bit about school choices HERE,

 and one mom shared about her choice

to home school HERE. I was going to write

about other options, but there didn't

seem to be much interest.


How adoption works out for families is a BIG 

topic. And it changes. You really never

know what you're getting into when you

start the journey. You usually know little

about the child's genetics, and it plays

a big role. I was a very strong believer

in nurture over nature --or how you raise

the child is what really makes the

differences--until we adopted children.

Adam is so much like his birth mother, and

so is Jasmine. And I did not parent Adam well

for his personality. Sometimes it is really

hard to figure out what are values issues

and what are personality differences. Or to

separate their behaviors based on their

very different personalities from

misbehavior.

I think parenting is a lifelong learning

experience!

I read it but don't comment because I live it with you! Guess WHO!

It's a wild ride we're on, and I couldn't do

it without you!

School Choices

Jasmine in the front on xylophone at the football game.


Most of you who follow this blog know that Jasmine has been in a charter school since 5th grade. We put her in it at that time because we are zoned for the absolute worse middle school possible. The teachers can't teach many days because the kids are so bad. The parents are worse. Not a good place for Jasmine. So into the charter school she went.

What I like about it is that it is smaller, they have consistent rules and the teachers are high quality and high character.

What I don't like about it is that they have the attitude that they are the best. They constantly talk about being one the top schools etc. If you are good enough, other people will do the bragging for you. They also have the philosophy, "high expectations, high achievement." Basically they require way more than the public school. They do not take homework late. That is a problem because Jasmine will do the homework and have it in her folder and never think about turning it in. I've ask that she be given a personal reminder, but for them that's not encouraging her to be responsible. But knowing about the damage to the front lobe of her brain, I think it's reasonable.

And my philosophy is "do the best you can with what you've been given." Not all people are gifted the same. I think kids should be encouraged in their strong areas and helped with their weak. I have  A LOT of examples from my own life of when that did not happen.

When it came time for high school, Jasmine and I had different opinions. But I will say "yes" to their ideas when it doesn't go against our values or cause harm. So I put her in the lottery for the high school. Their are two branches of the middle school both feeding into one high school, so not everyone gets in. We had plan B in mind. It was my choice of school. In our town you can request to go out of zone. If there is room in the school, you'll be allowed to attend.

Jasmine got into the charter high school. She loved being with all her friends.

It required a lot of supplies in addition to the ones required by the public high schools. Among them was an iPad. You could lease one for $300+$75 insurance. I chose to buy a refurbished one at Walmart for $189 and added their warranty.

And off to school she went.

We had issues with school policy from day one. She was given a language arts pretest. She could not finish it, so it was sent home. She was unsure of how to do it, and she somewhat forgot about it until too late. But it was partially done. She got a zero and a note "we do not accept incomplete work." So not only can it not be late, but it can't be even a little incomplete.

She was also put in algebra 1.She never had pre algebra because she wasn't ready for it. Her first two tests were zeroes. They are on a block system so you do four complete year long classes one semester and four more second semester. So each class is 90 minutes. That means the first quarter ends four and a half weeks into school. Our public schools require algebra 1 and geometry. The charter school requires algebra 2. They told me to get a tutor. 

Well, if you don't have the background and your mind just doesn't do well at reasoning, that's really not going to help. She doesn't think that way. For example, to help with money skills, every weekend I tell the kids they can have $2, but I tell them how many coins they have to use to do it. Sometimes there is more than one right answer. She cannot figure it out. Ever. Not even with coaching. But I continue to have her try.

High expectations, high achievement became unrealistic expectations, high stress!

They have a cool black hat with blue plume, but she didn't have one yet.

She liked her technology class because it was podcast. And she loved band. During summer camp, she was one of many on mallets in the pit. But they all dropped, and she was the only one in pit at the football games.

Still, knowing she was going to flunk algebra 1 and probably language arts, we made the decision to try to my school of choice for her. There is another good school, but it's larger and can be snobbish. It's also overcrowded so require an administrator waiver. My choice of school is much smaller and under enrolled. And not as rich. But it is not perfect. There have been incidents there. But they were dealt with. We got in.

Rick told the band director at Friday night's game that we were trying to get her in a public high school, and he was very unhappy to be losing his only mallet and pit person.



So yesterday we went to the new high school to enroll her and talk to guidance. Their lowest math class is also algebra 1. I asked repeatedly what they do for students who are just not able to do algebra at all. There was no answer. But she'll be in an intensive class. It's a double class. They are supposed to teach the first session, and then they work on the assignment the second session. They do not have geography and world culture which is the social studies class she was in. There is no history in ninth grade. Also no podcast.

She has:
homeroom
fitness lifestyle design (I hope that's her personal fitness credit)
Intro to info technology
English 1
Physical Science
Lunch
Alg 1
Alg 1
Percussion (band is broken into groups)

There is full band practice 6-8 p.m. Tues and Thurs. 

She will only be doing one dance class at the dance studio again this year, but instead of hip hop like the past two years, it will be musical theater on Tues at 4:15. So Tuesdays will be crazy. We will probably go from school to dance to band! On Monday nights she'll have County Christian Youth Choir again starting this coming Monday. They sing from 6-7 p.m., then have an hour Bible study and supper from 7-8 p.m..

Oh, and she got an iPad out of this deal :)

Yesterday we went and got her a hoodie at Walmart. Someone else gave her some spirit shirts. She can wear polo shirts in red, black and white or spirit shirts.

 Today she started at her new school. 

Ready to go

She had a good first day. We went back for band practice this evening, and there was a football game on the field where we thought she would practice. It turns out they were practicing on the soccer field. We were late, and didn't have the shorts and T shirt everyone else was wearing. We'll get it all figured out by Tuesday.

So I hope this change will help her be successful. Ya know, it's never easy figuring out what is best for each kid all of the time. But I think we've got this one right.

What We Need to Tell Our Daughters

I posted this back in August 2013 after Miley strutted her way across stage half dressed. There's a lot going on now that says our girls are still missing this message. And here's the thing. You can tell your daughters all the stuff below over and over, but you can't make them take it to heart and make it their own. You can only hope they do and be there for them when they don't.

The real title of this post is: "Things to make sure your daughter knows so one day she doesn't strut across a stage half naked losing all dignity and honor."

Not too many positive role models for our girls come out of Hollywood. But they could. Because any girl/young lady can make choices that make her a young woman of faith and dignity. I mention dignity because of Proverbs 31:25-26, 30 which says, "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised."

These are good verses for our girls. But girls aren't always encouraged to make the right choices or to be the kind of woman mentioned in the verses, so it's up to us as parents to guide them into becoming women of faith. Women of dignity. Women of character. It should start long before their first steps, but if not, start today.

Here are some things we need to tell our daughters.

(I added some resources to help with this. Some are written by me, some are not.)

  1. Guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." The things you see stay with you. The things you read stay with you. The music you listen to has a message that stays with you. Use Philippians 4:8 as a guide for what you see and hear.

(Check out the movies you want to watch at Plugged In online to find out what they really contain HERE)

  2. Celebrate you! Psalm 139:13-14 says, "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it." God made you who you are. He gave you the personality, talents and abilities you need in order to be who he created you to be. It's okay to work at those things and improve yourself, but don't wish you were someone else. You cheat yourself. You cheat others. Only you can be the you God made.

(Check out The Christian Girl's Guide to Me: The Quiz Book for fun ways to find out more about what makes you special HERE and Promises for God's Princesses HERE, or My Princess Devotions for the smallest princesses HERE.)

  3. God has an amazing plan for you. Jeremiah 29:11 was written to the Jews in exile, but it's true for you too. "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." You are not here by accident. God has things for you to do. That's why #2 is so important. God gifted you with what you need to fulfill his plan for you. Don't sell yourself short or settle for less than the best. Going along with what everyone else is doing might be the easy road, but it's not the best one. God wants more than that for you.

(Check out The Christian Girl's Guide to Being Your Best for great advice, fun quizzes and doable crafts to help you discover all you can be HERE.)

  4. Every choice you make is important. It's easy to act without thinking or go along with the crowd. But each choice matters, even the little ones. Choices turn into behaviors, and repeated behaviors become habits. Choices have consequences. Something you do on impulse to make others laugh or get attention may not have the outcome you plan. Weigh each choice and ask yourself if this is a good thing for you and for others. Think through big decisions and discuss them with a responsible adult.

  5. Don't be an attention seeker. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "…whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." It's okay to get attention for good grades, good sportsmanship on the playing field, singing a solo, making the debate team or helping out in the community, but don't let that be the only reason you do them. And never lower yourself for attention. Twerking half dressed in front of a million viewers will surely get attention—the wrong kind. Is that attention worth losing people's respect, dishonoring God, and losing all dignity and integrity?

 6. Your purity is your gift to your husband. I know people don't think this way anymore, but saving yourself helps you avoid guilt and emotional baggage. Cover up and don't display to the world what you are saving for your husband. You can dress with style and still be modest. Add a cute high cut tank top under those scoop neck shirts. Put some fun leggings under the short skirts and dresses. Make your own fashion statement if you need to. Flaunting your half naked body in public doesn't show any creativity or imagination. Finding ways to be stylish and modest at the same time does.

(Check out The Christian Girl's Guide to Style for ideas HERE.)

  7. Being different is okay. You're not a freak because you don't sneak out to parties, make out with boys, wear a swimsuit that looks more like underclothing than something you could swim in, disrespect your parents or take part in questionable activities. Even a small light illuminates in a dark world. Be the light others need to find their way.

(Check out a Young Woman After God's Own Heart or a Girl After God's Own Heart HERE)

  8. Good manners never go out of style. Saying thank you, writing a note, giving deference to the elderly, respecting those in authority, taking turns, turning off your phone in restaurants and talking quietly and respectfully show that you know how to be polite. They put you a notch above others whether or not your friends agree.

  9. Your friends will influence you, so choose good ones. Proverbs 12:26 says, "The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray." Your friends are important. You talk to them about things you don't discuss with your parents. So make sure your friends are the kind that will give you good advice and encourage you to be your best, not go along with the crowd or be mediocre.

(Check out Girls Politics" Friends, Cliques and Really Mean Chicks HERE (teen girls) or A Girl's Guide to Best Friends and Mean Girls (preteen girls) HERE or Just for Me: Friends HERE (young girls))

 10. Live on/with purpose. Micah 6:8 says, "The Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." Simple, huh? Live intentionally. Live as a princess because you surely are as a child of the Heavenly King. Keep that in mind and the first nine points will fall into place.

(Check out: The One Year Devotions for Girls Starring Women of the Bible for a daily dose of inspiration all year long. HERE (girls 10-14), or The Christian Girl's Guide to the Bible HERE (ages 8-12), The One Year Book of Bible Trivia for Kids HERE or Just for Me: The Bible HERE (ages 5-8))

These are my thoughts. What other messages do we need to give our girls? What books and other resources have you found helpful?