YA Book Freerunner

In the last post I mentioned that I was at Felicia's house to work on some projects. While I was there, we were talking about my upcoming Young Adult book, Freerunner. It's issue based, and most Christian publishers were hesitant to publish it. After all, nice Christian stories shouldn't be about girls who are abused about their grandfathers, right? Ummm, wrong. The general market has loads of books for teen about all kind of issues. Why not add a faith base and some hope to the story?

In Freerunner, Kia doesn't come from a nice two parent Christian home. She has a single mom and an unknown dad. And no church background. Another combination most Christian publishers aren't looking for.

But here's the thing. Girls do get abused. Sometimes that abuser is let back into the house. It happens. You can shut your eyes to it, but ask any foster parent. Junk happens. It's not going to go away if we pretend it doesn't. 

Stories heal. So my goal is to write stories that teens will read that deal with real life issues but add a touch of hope. I don't really have an official mission statement, but if I did, it would basically be what I just said cleaned up a bit.

A small publisher, Elk Lake Publishing Inc is publishing my book, but they are small enough that I have to buy my copies and promote it myself. I can certainly use help with getting the books into the hands of teens who may need the story, librarians, counselors, foster parents and so on.

Here's a short synopsis of the story:

Night is Kia’s favorite time. It’s when she can be anonymous as she runs to outdistance the voices in her head and the ugly images that are never far away. The abuse Kia suffered at the hands of her grandfather when she was six has left invisible scars that have never healed. Only her best friend Thorn knows how damaged she feels.

When her Grandfather not only returns to town, but moves in with Kia and her mother, Kia’s world is shaken. Freerunning, a creative way of running that incorporates gymnastic and acrobatic stunts, helps Kia flee both memories and the unanswered questions she has. Questions about the father she’s never met.

When former reality television star Terrence Jones arrives at the school as the new head track coach, Kia decides to try out for the team. What can it hurt? And maybe being part of a team will help her feel more normal, although normal was stolen from her by her grandfather.

But making the track team only causes more turmoil. Why does the assistant coach, Cassandra Clark, dislike Terrence Jones so much, and even more troubling, why does Coach Clark dislike her so much?

When Terrence Jones starts a freerunning club at a local church and asks Kia to help, things seem to be looking up. Then Kia realizes her grandfather’s true intentions and knows she must face the past and act if she wants to save another child from the fate she suffered.

Back to Felcia and me. I was telling her that Larissa would be a great Kia and asked if I could take some photos of her. So Felicia, Larissa and I went to a park to see what we could do. Larissa is not a freerunner, but she gave it a go. Felicia took photos with her iPhone and me with my Nikon. And those are the photos you've seen on this post.

For more book updates, like my Facebook author page 

I don't get notifications when someone comments on a post, so it make take me a few days to realize I have a comment on a post. Be sure to check back.

Verdict's In

After seven weeks, the William's trial is over and the verdict is in:

Larry Williams:

• No verdict on Homicide by abuse (jury unable to agree)
• Guilty of Manslaughter in the 1st degree
• Guilty of Assault of a Child in the 1st degree

Carri Williams:

• Guilty of Homicide by Abuse
• Guilty of Manslaughter in the 1st degree
• Guilty of Assault of a Child in the 1st degree

     It's a sad thing because no one wins. Hana is still dead, Immanuel is still in therapy to deal with his issues. The birth children will never again live with their parents. I've heard they are all living with relatives. (Hopefully ones who will help them through this).

     It's also sad that to the end Carri insisted that Hana killed herself by refusing to come inside out of the cold. She said they couldn't get her inside. That is bologna. She weighed 78 pounds at the time of death, and they could have went out and carried her in. She may have been oppositional by then, sure. Who knows what hypothermia will do. 

No child should be left outside in a cold rain for 9 hours. No child should be sent outside in cold rain for punishment at all. No child should have food with held for two days. Withholding food isn't an appropriate punishment for anyone. What good does any of that do? Children need the security of knowing there will be food for them at each meal. 

But even with all this, I don't think Carri is a total monster like a lot of people are making her out to be. There's a blog page dedicated to Hana that's filled with messages that basically say she's a monster and worse. I don't think she adopted two children with the intent of abusing them and killing one. Foreign adoptions are very expensive, so she must have felt led to adopt. The problem is that she wasn't prepared for the issues that come with adoption, foreign adoption and older child adoption. I wasn't either and I made a lot of mistakes when trying to squash the issues. She did too. But she got carried away and became vindictive. And with the total isolation the children faced, no one knew. No one intervened. 

Unfortunately it got to the  point where Carri no longer cared about Hana's welfare. She saw her fall to the ground repeatedly that night. She saw her bang her head on the cement. Yet she did nothing. It was midnight when Hana finally died. That means most of the time she was out there was spent in the dark. There was total disregard for Hana's life (which is why it is homicide by abuse).

Still, hate is wrong. I know people are going to push for adoption reforms based on this case. I hope that doesn't backfire and soon no one can adopt without being scrutinized and hounded once the children come home. I do think it would be helpful to have more resources available for parents though. And help for parents who are struggling with their children's issues. But it's not an agency's fault when an adoption goes bad unless they lied about the problems the children had. And everyone says things were going really well with Hana her first year home. An agency would probably see that and no longer follow up.

When we adopted Jeff and later the twins, there was no agency involved. We did all the paperwork and submitted it. With Jeff, when things started getting difficult, there were no counselors within hours of us trained in adoption issues. There were no support groups. Facebook didn't exists and all the online support groups didn't exist. We ended up sending him to a home for troubled youth. I would have rather had someone who could have worked with our family in keeping him here while keeping the girls safe and Jeff himself safe. But there wasn't. There are still very few resources here. 

I'm glad the trial is over and justice is done. Most of us will soon forget, but for the William's family, it is far from over. The parents will go to prison. They are being held on 1.5 million and 750,000 bail. Sentencing isn't until October. (Is it usually that far off?) The children will forever have the images of Hana in their mind. They will forever remember this. Their parents won't be at their graduations or weddings. They won't be there when their children are born. 

If you are struggling in your parenting, talk to someone. Yes, it is hard to find someone who understands the manipulations, deceit, stealing and lying since they may only see your child when he's being charming. They may not see through the charm. They may think the problem is you. Keep looking. Join an online support group. Ask around because they exist. Connect with other adoptive parents online at least so you have someone to vent to. Someone who will help keep you sane. If you can't find someone to talk to, leave a message here because many of my readers have gone through these things. Many still are. Don't isolate yourself, and if you are homeschooling but they need more than you can give, send them to public school at least for a year so they can get evaluated and get services. It will give you a break too.

All kids deserve to be loved. Even when they are not acting lovable.

Waiting for a Verdict

All the testimony has been heard in the Hana Williams trial, and the jury has been instructed to report back on Wednesday. I didn't know they'd do that, but I don't know much about trials. But I thought they stayed and came up with a verdict right away so they didn't have time to talk to other people or read the papers and such.

Reading the daily reports of the court happenings has been kind of interesting. In a sad sort of way. Here are just some of my rambling thoughts.

It was stated that the trial is not about whether or not the punishments were excessive, because they were (courts words, not mine), but whether or not they were criminal.

Several times during one session Immanuel's wetting issues were discussed and it was said that the dad and three oldest sons were constantly checking the boy's underwear to see if it was wet. That seems kind of crazy. If he was wet, he was taken outside and hosed off clothes and all, even in cold weather.

Carri (mom) knows ASL and has been an interpreter. She taught her kid sign language so they could communicate with Immanuel. But then for punishment she forbid any of them to sign with him in order to isolate him. They would stomp on the floor for his attention. I fail to see how this helps with any of his behavior issues. It seems a cruel way to isolate him.

He testified that rules were never explained to him and he didn't understand their expectations, He never felt comfortable or liked it there.

He was beaten on the bottom of his feet for punishment many times.

He was bullied on the stand in order to discredit him. There were three interpreters with him.

Hana often was made to sleep in a barn 80 feet from the house, in the shower room on the cement floor or in a closet that was four feet high and two feet wide. It didn't say how long it was. Again, how does isolating her in a barn help anything?

A physician (board certified in abuse in kids) said that the death by hypothermia was exacerbated by starvation. He referred to their treatment as stunning neglect through patterns of food deprivation, physical abuse, isolation and degrading treatment. Hana was not just thin, her body was wasting. Ugh. I hate that! Food deprivation is not a discipline tool. It hinders attachment. 

A big part of the trial was trying to prove Hana's age. This is important because the mom is on trial for homicide by abuse and manslaughter for Hana (and first degree child abuse of  I. Not sure if the dad is accused of the same. The reports all say Carri.) The homicide by abuse charge can only stand if Hana was under the age or 16 at the time of her death. Not sure why. Even if she was over 16, this was not a normal, large, healthy 16-year-old who could take care of herself. There was a lot of testimony about bone development and that different bones on her body suggested ages from 13 to 17.

A lot of the testimony seemed like they were trying to pin everything on Carri and make out that Larry didn't realize what was going on. They tried to get the oldest boy (now in the army stationed in Korea) to testify that his parents fought about the punishments. The dad worked from afternoon until midnight, but he still would have seen Hana in the morning and have seen how thin she was. He would have known where she was sleeping and whether or not she ate what they ate at breakfast and lunch.

The dad said he felt responsible and ashamed. When asked why he said, "There were lots of things I could have done to stop it and I didn't." This was followed by a lot of "I don't remember" and "It was Carri's idea.

Everyone seems to agree that the first year was good for Hana. She was described as a quiet girl who liked to read. Immanuel was aggressive from the start biting, kicking and hitting.

They say then Hana's behavior went downhill. That lead to the years of frozen food, cold showers, sleeping in the barn, shower room and closet.

Carri insists that Immanuel came with all the scars but they weren't  ever recorded. IF that's true, big mistake. Both of my twins have marks on their tush and waistline that look like they could be bruises, and I had the pediatrician write them all down in case anyone ever sees them and thinks they are bruises.

The mom also said, "I believe she unintentionally killed herself. I believe she did this to herself." There was also talk that Hana may have been bulimic or anorexic. Crazy.

This whole thing has been crazy. The excessive punishments that went on for years. Carri making it sound like Hana did it to herself.  Larry acting like he didn't know this was all going on.

Some of the punishments are so cruel. I have no problem with a kid who pees himself/herself being showered. But outside in 40F weather? I guess they thought the kids would not pee to avoid that, but it didn't work.

The wet sandwich thing baffles me. What is the point of sogging down the sandwich with water? To make it so disgusting they won't enjoy it? 

One lady that Carri was friends with knew how much Carri disliked the kids and suggested she take them back to her adoption agency to be placed in another family. Why didn't that friend follow up with Carri? Why didn't she share with someone what was going on?

Carri's dad is a police officer who said he didn't notice anything, or he would have had to report it. How could he not have noticed anything? Did he not visit or did he just close his eyes to it? Didn't he notice the kids weren't at the table? Were out in the cold on holidays?

Most of us adoptive parents have used these things in their very mild form--in my house, if you wet, you shower and you take your stuff into the shower with you. You rinse out the pee and then I'll wash it in the machine. But it's a warm shower inside the house and in privacy. That is with the intent that you learn to take responsibility for your mistakes, not to degrade them. 

Mine have been given sandwiches. I eat sandwiches pretty much every day for lunch. On occasion when a child just will not cooperate, he or she has been given a sandwich and vegetables and sent to bed early. In the house. In a bedroom. If a child wets the bed early on, I don't put new bedding on until morning. It doesn't hurt him/her to sleep on the floor with a blanket for the rest of the night after cleaning himself up. They are sent to use the restroom before bed, not supposed to drink after supper and they are taken the the restroom again at 11 p.m. So there really shouldn't be any problems.

Maybe this family started out trying these things and they just escalated. But why didn't they go to a counselor? Why didn't they send the two to public school so everyone could have a break from each other, why hadn't they taken the children to the doctor in over two years? Well, actually, I guess if your child doesn't play sports, you don't have to get the annual physical. And if they don't attend public school, you don't have to get a physical. But if bed wetting was such a problem and if they had a stomach condition when they came (and the family tried to blame this for her weight loss) why not go to the Dr? Because they wanted control? Because the neglect would have been reported?

Did this mom hate these kids so much that she couldn't stand the idea of them getting any privileges or being treated like children, even family members?

I'm glad I don't have to decide the charges. I do not know this mom's heart. I don't know if she thought these things would help and they just got out of control. I don't know how she could have not thought they were cruel. What if a birth child did the same thing?  What is the mom feeling now? It seems from the court reports that both parents are trying to avoid blame. Hana killed herself. Larry didn't know what went on.

Anyone have some answers?

And while this goes on, the "Baby Veronica" case continues. Another hard one. But if it had been done right in the first place, the baby would never have been put up for adoption. She was with the adoptive family for two year and has now been with her own birth dad for two years. 

I think people need to look at what is in the child's best interest. She is happy with her own birth dad. How can anyone think of yanking a child away from a birth parent who loves her and cares for her? 

I know a lot of adoptive parents are rooting for the adoptive parents, but this child is attached to her birth father and taking her away now would cause much more harm to her than what the adoptive parents would face if the child isn't returned to them. 

And how would they explain to this child later that they fought to take her from her own birth father who loves her and is capable of giving her a home? 

Lots of tough decisions.

Really?

I've posted on here a lot more than usual lately because I've been finishing up posting about summer. I just realized that I haven't posted Jasmine's journal because I hadn't typed it in with the others. So there's another summer post. The kids have started school, and I'd planned that to be my next post sometime over the weekend.

But the Hana William's trial is really bugging me this week. Have you noticed the lack of interest in it in the news? I figured someone against international adoption would jump all over it and try to stop adoption. That may happen yet.

I'm going to re post part of what I posted when this first happened:

I read the whole 16 page report filed and it was ugly reading. The parents had very strict punishments that included Hana eating alone outside no matter the weather. She was often given frozen vegetables as her meal. She had to use an outside port potty and was often showered with an outside hose year round (she lived in WA state and it gets cold!). She was put outside hours at a time in the cold as a punishment. She basically lived in a dark closet. One of the biological children said in an interview that she was taken out every other day to walk around and exercise. She hadn't participated in family meals or home schooling for over a year because she was living in the closet. She had gone up to two days at a time without eating. She was not allowed to celebrate her birthday or Christmas because she didn't deserve to. She stood outside in the cold on Christmas day watching through the window. Excuse me, but wasn't Christmas about Jesus coming to give us abundant life through his own life, death and resurrection?

There was such a long list of inhumane punishments that I can't remember them all but you can find the 16 page report on line. But she finally died because she was out several hours in cold rain without adequate clothing. She was so thin she didn't survive it.

I have seen people comment that the girl probably had reactive attachment disorder and a very difficult child. There is nothing to indicate that. Her crimes were not knowing how to shower correctly or moving off a certain spot.

Even if she was difficult, she deserved food, clothing, shelter from the cold and somewhere appropriate to sleep. The price for a warm shower or meal was 30 days of good behavior--by the parent's standard of good. And if she had attachment disorders--and who could blame her--locking her in the closet days on end is not a good attachment tool!

Now the trial has started and some things really bother me. Especially things the mom has said. Like this from a news report:

MOUNT VERNON — In an interview with a sheriff’s detective hours after her adopted daughter collapsed in the family’s backyard and succumbed to hypothermia and malnutrition, Carri Williams said she thought the girl was staying outside just to be rebellious.

“I thought she was just pretending that she couldn’t walk, because she’s done that before,” Carri Williams told Skagit County Sheriff’s Detective Ben Hagglund. “I just kind of ignored it.”

Or this from the same report:

Later, when Hana was lying face down on the patio and grass, Carri Williams still thought the girl was pretending, she said. But then another daughter pointed out Hana wasn’t moving.

“And the way she was laying, it didn’t look like it was pretend,” Carri Williams told Hagglund, describing later not being sure if she felt a pulse. “I said, ‘She killed herself. I think she’s dead.’”

Carri Williams spanked Hana during the six or so hours she spent outside the night she died, but only after asking her to come inside, the 16-year-old said.

The boy said he did not see Hana shivering leading up to her death, but she did remove her clothes. Both are signs of hypothermia.

So much of this is senseless. But the stuff about the girl being outside and the mom thinking she was pretending is crazy. And in a news video it was said that the mother stated she couldn't get the girl inside. Really? She could force her into a closet for days at a time, but she couldn't force a starved, half frozen girl into the house? If that's true, it was only because the girl was crazy from hypothermia. But there were also three teen boys there. They couldn't go get one 80lb girl into the house? Bologna. 

And what kind of person thinks shaving a child's hair off, putting her in shorts and a T-shirt and sticking her outside in the cold is a good way to help the child overcome behavioral issues? I wonder who exactly had the behavioral issues. 

No one in the family was allowed to talk to Hana, and when she complained of being cold, the mother told her to do jumping jacks and exercises to stay warm. When she stopped, she was spanked for stopping. 

I know we can't really judge the parents because we don't know them. But I think it's pretty obvious that things were very, very wrong in that home.

Most of you reading this blog have dealt with adoption related behavioral issues. You know how crazy it can get. Me too. And most of us have tried all sorts of things to try and get those behaviors to end. But there is a big difference between trying to get the child to have more positive behavior and harming the child in order to have control. It appears this family was all about control. Their birth children grew up with the overly strict rules and probably learned as an infant not to break or question those rules. 

Then two older children from a totally different culture and with a different language arrived. They didn't know the rules. They didn't know how to live in this home. They may not have had enough language to even understand.

The mom (and I refer mostly to mom here because she was the one home with the kids) was disgusted by Hana's preteen issues, especially "girl issues." She had wanted a toddler. So why did she accept a preteen girl and a deaf, handicapped boy? Did she picture them automatically behaving exactly like her birth children? Really?

Someone once suggested to her that she relinquish the children because she had talked a lot about not liking the children and being disgusted by them, and she said she wouldn't wish them on anyone.

No, I don't think so. She didn't relinquish them because someone else might let Hana have hot food, a hot shower and privileges. In mom's eyes that would make Hana the "winner."

If she really didn't like Hana, she could have sent her to school. That would give the mom a seven hour break, longer if she rode a bus. And if Hana's behaviors were so bad, the school would have the same problem and would have set up a plan for her.

But that would have also kept the parents from having total control over Hana. They wouldn't have been able to beat her or starve her because the school would notice. She would get food and positive reinforcement, which mom probably thought she didn't deserve.

Sometime even those who strongly believe in homeschooling send their adopted children to school so they can learn English more quickly and so they can get special services they need. The adopted son was deaf so public school would have been a great help to him.

I hope the truth comes out in this trial. But I wonder. Saying they thought Hana was pretending and that Hana died because she was rebellious is not truthful. Her being starved over a long period of time and sent out into the cold for hours killed her. If she was truly rebellious, she could have been given a couple of sandwiches and an apple and have been sent to bed early. She could have lost privileges, but not basic rights such as food, proper clothing and a place to sleep.

Well, I am going on and on about this. And the things I've said are my opinion not fact.

Have any of you been following the trial or the story in general? What are your thoughts?

I don't know about you, but I would have taken Hana in and given her a home rather having her despised. Yeah, it might have required a lot of emotional energy along with personal and family counseling or therapy, but it would have been worth it to see this beautiful young lady blossom and grow and discover all she could be.

Not the Same at All

Four oldest Duggar girls

Our twins with their two sets of twins.

I wasn't going to say more about Hana Williams but I'm seeing some disturbing online posts comparing the Duggars to the Williams and that is just ridiculous.

Seriously people, this is part of the report about the Williams:

Other punishments included locking Hana inside a dark closet for hours or days without food while the parents played the Bible on tape and Christian music for her while she was locked inside, according to court documents.

Hana also was forced to sleep in the barn on some nights or kept outside for hours in the cold without adequate clothing or shoes, court documents say - but she was allowed to wear shoes if there was snow on the ground.

The Williams also confirmed that they used a flexible plumbing tool as a switch to punish Hana and some of the other children in their household. The children told investigators that Hana sometimes was beaten with a switch for standing more than 12 inches away from where she was told to stand or for speaking without permission. The Williams' older biological children were sometimes encouraged to join in administering the punishment by their parents.

Other punishments included locking Hana inside a dark closet for hours or days without food while the parents played the Bible on tape and Christian music for her while she was locked inside, according to court documents.

How in the world can you compare this abuse to how the Duggars are raising their children? We've all seen them on television. They travel all over doing ministry projects. They are a good family. Sure, they have some strong convictions about things, but those kids are very much loved.

Of course the Williams did not abuse their birth children the same way as they did their adopted children. Some adopted children are difficult (and so are some birth children) but there is nothing to show that Hana was a difficult child at all. Sometimes when you get them at an older age, they come with emotional and sometimes physical baggage. But that's no excuse to beat and starve them.

Here is a question and answer I found on the Duggar website. It's kind of long but definitely worth reading:

Joan, a viewer, asks: I'm 77 years old and love your show. I wish I would have seen it when my children were young. I would have done things a lot different. You are doing such a beautiful job of raising your children. Do or have you ever had to spank your children?

Michelle: We have people ask us that all the time. We’ve really chosen to focus on praising our kids for good character, for Godly character. And as we do that, we find that we have a lot less trouble with correction when we are constantly looking for ways to praise them.

When we see them do a kind deed we praise them publicly. We always say, “You deserve praise.” You praise someone publicly, but if you’re going to have to correct someone, you correct them privately. You take them aside and talk to them privately so that you don’t humiliate them in front of people.

And by doing that I think it really sets a tone in your home of peace and harmony and a joyful place to live – it really is a happy place to be. The kids don’t dread coming home because they know this is the place they’re going to get strengthened and encouraged, and they’re going to have the energy to go out and do great things from here. To be able to stand alone when tough things come their way and know in their heart, “You know, that’s not right. I don’t want to partake in that because I can see the destruction that’ll come.” So when the home is the center of their worth as far as them being strengthened and edified and encouraged, they know they can go out and do anything set in front of them and do great things for God. That’s our goal.

So in training the little guys, day in and day out, if I see the little ones not being kind to each other, I will take them aside and I will deal with them and talk to them and have them work this out amongst themselves and learn to communicate and be kind to each other. And then when I see them being sweet and doing what’s right, I make a big deal! “Oh, Jennifer, you were such a sweet big sister! You got Jordyn a cup. You are so sweet! What a kind thing to do!!”

We’ve learned all the character qualities — we’re working on that for these little guys now. But the bigger ones, when they were little, we [talked about the] the definition of kindness: Seeing needs in the lives of others as opportunities to demonstrate love for Christ. “So when you got your sissy that cup of water, you were showing her love and kindness by doing that. You didn’t have to that; it wasn’t your job. But you saw that she was thirsty and you did that just because of your love for your sissy and because you love Jesus and Jesus tells you to be kind to others.” I always point them back to the reason why they want to do what’s right. And when you praise that character of kindness, they want to be more kind. Every time they get an opportunity, they’re going to look for a way to be kind.

And it doesn’t just have be our kids. Our spouses, the people we work with every day, people at school, all of us need to be encouraged. That’s why God gives us that scripture that says, “Encourage one another and build each other up, for this is right.” So often the natural inclination of us would be to look at all the negative, “They didn’t empty that trash. They know that’s their job. I can’t believe they didn’t do that …” We usually will spot the negative things – those tend to be the first things we see.

I think biting your tongue as a parent and saying, wait a minute, hold on. Let me look for something good. Surely there’s one thing good that they did! (Laughs) I’m going to find that one thing and then I’m going to find the character quality and praise them for it. Even the tiniest little effort they made, you’re building character. When you focus on the Godly character, it makes a much happier place to live. Learning to bite your tongue when you want to be negative and praising each other – it’s contagious. Then our children learn to praise by example. And so there’s a lot less correction going on.

I notice she didn't really answer the spanking question--and being in the public eye, she probably shouldn't because if she did say she spanked, she could find social services at her door saying they need to investigate. So I imagine she does, but that it's not her first choice. She praises the good behavior so that it will be repeated. Something we can all do.

I know the Duggars have encouraged many families through their example and their show, but I don't think the Williams have encouraged much of anyone. The mom constantly berated the two adopted children. I think all of us have complained about our children at one time or another, but that's usually when we're over tired or have been battling the same issue for too long. We are dealing with some behavior issues with one right now, and I've been careful to make sure I say at least three positive things to her each day--"Look at the nice way you hung up your coat and put your backpack on your shelf-way to go!" And like Michelle said, sometimes you have to bite your tongue and not say what you're thinking because it'll do more damage than good.

All this to say, there are no similarities between these families other than they both home schooled and kept their children close to them. For the Duggars, that means the children have lots of cool opportunities to try new things, travel and help others. For Hana it meant death.

I haven't heard any updates on the case but I hope that the right thing is done because a beautiful young lady lived for several years in a cold and unloving home and slowly died in front of them.

HERE's a video I found online about two of the Duggar boys. I've only met them once, but they all seem to be good kids who are making a positive difference in the world.

(How Not) To Train Up a Child

Warning--this post is long. And it is all my opinion. You are free to disagree. Just do it nicely.

I won't buy the book How to Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl because I will not add to the 1.8 million they've already gotten in royalties. But it's online so I skimmed it, and I have several thoughts on it. If you really want to read the book, you can read it HERE. I think it's an older copy because it has a different cover the the picture below. (I saw it with the danger sign on someone's blog and thought that was pretty much true.)

There is just so much wrong with the book it's hard to know where to start. So let's start with the three children who are known to have died at the hands of people following the practices in this book only taking them to extemes. And that is not the author's fault, but his book sets the stage for it. Obviously, lots more children are being beaten in secret and in isolation since this book says that every family should home school. It's only the three who have died that brought it to light. Home schooling makes it easy to get away with the abuse. And I am NOT saying that all home school families are abusive. Many of my blog readers home school. Several due to adopting children who are way behind in their education. But the extreme ones are totally isolating their children so they can have total control. (And I do not include the Duggars in this group as I have seen some do because those kids are out serving others and going places)

Four-year-old Sean Paddock died in 2006 from being wrapped so tightly in blankets that he was suffocated. There were long bruise marks on his backside. His 9-year-old brother was beaten so badly he limped. After investigation the mother was charged with first degree murder.

In 2010 seven-year-old Lydia Schatz died after being beaten repeatedly for hours for making a mistake during her schooling. Some reports say she mispronounced a word, others say she misspelled a spelling word. The beatings broke down muscle tissue allowing the organs to be damaged until death resulted. Her sister was left with kidney damage from beatings. There doesn't seem to be any pictures of her anywhere, but this one of her parents is all over the Internet.
And of course there's twelve-year-old Hana who died last May after being emotionally and physically tortured over a three-year time frame. The mother repeatedly said she didn't like the child. My question is, if she really didn't like the child, why not send her to public school so the girl could get her schooling and the mother could have a break from her? And the boy adopted with Hana could have really benefitted from the special needs services he would have received in a public school,

But on to the book itself.

First of all, the book is poorly written. This is the first paragraph. It doesn't grab me.

When you tell some parents they need to switch their children, they respond, "I would if I could find someone willing to trade." (I don't understand what he means by that) I have had children in my house that would be enough to give an electric wheat grinder a nervous breakdown. The parents look like escapees from a Second World War, Polish boxcar. Another hour with them, and I would have been searching the yellow-pages for discount vasectomies.(I don't find any of this amusing. And the WW2 thing is just plain disrespectful to those who went through it) While we try to sit and talk, the children are constantly running in and out of doors, complaining of ill treatment from the others, begging to go or stay or eat, or demanding a toy that the other children will not relinquish. The mother must continually jump up and rescue some breakable object. She says, "No" six-hundred and sixty-six times in the space of two hours. She spanks each child two or three times--usually with her hand on top of a diaper. Other than misaligning the child's spine, it seems to have no effect. I have no clue what he's trying to say, and he appears to think he's funny as illustrated in this next passage also:

"BEHOLD, THE SECOND WOE"! Just last night while sitting in a meeting, I looked over to see a young mother struggling with her small child. He seemed determined to make her life as miserable as possible--and destroy her reputation in the process. She had the "Why me?" look on her tired face. He kept defiantly throwing his bottle on the floor (assisted by her picking it up and handing it back to him) and making angry noises that forced the preacher to scream louder and louder. With threats of increasingly embarrassing displays, he forced her to put him down on the floor where he proceeded to audition for circus clown while insisting on procuring a neighbor's property. When she tried to prevent his thievery and rescue the stolen goods, he kicked his feet like an eggbeater and screamed his protest.
It was enough to make you believe the Devil started out as an infant. I am just thankful that one-year-olds don't weigh two-hundred pounds, or a lot more mothers would be victims of homicide. (Is that supposed to be funny?)It causes one to understand where the concept of a "sinful nature" originated.
He makes a lot comparisons that he seems to think are funny throughout the whole book but really they're just junk writing.

The author goes on to compare training children with training all kinds of things such as animals, soldiers, and mules. From the introduction:

These truths are not new, deep insights from the professional world of research, rather, the same principles the Amish use to train their stubborn mules, the same technique God uses to train his children. They are profoundly simple and extremely obvious. After examining them with us, you will say, "I knew that all along. Where have I been? It's so obvious."

Our children are not animals. We can reason with them, explain the correct action or responses to take and urge them in the right direction.

The authors are judgmental and dogmatic.

Never even consider sending your children to private Christian schools, much less the public, automaton factories. Whether a classroom is based completely on Christian education or on secular principles is not the issue…God didn't make teenage boys and girls to sit together in a classroom every day while real life outside passes them by.

If someone wants to home school, fine. But not everyone is called to that and not everyone is capable. If you don't have a gift for teaching, let someone else teach your child. Just because you send them to a school, doesn't mean you aren't still responsible to teach your values and beliefs to them at home. You can still read to them, discuss important issues and even use what they are learning in public school as a spring board for some good character and values building conversations.

Spanking is not for infants! Spanking should not be the only form of punishment.
Select your instrument according to the child’s size,” writes Pearl. “For the under one year old, a little, ten to twelve-inch long, willowy branch (stripped of any knots that might break the skin) about one-eighth inch diameter is sufficient. Sometimes alternatives have to be sought. A one-foot ruler, or its equivalent in a paddle, is a sufficient alternative. For the larger child, a belt or larger tree branch is effective.” Additional advice from their Web site: Switching with a length of quarter-inch plumbing supply line is a “real attention-getter.”

He paints a picture of God as a punisher.

"No chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous... (Heb. 12:11)." God's chastisement is a painful "whipping." Our "fathers of the flesh... chastened us after their own pleasure... (12: 9, 10)." The Scripture not only condones physical "scourging," but promotes it as a means to holiness--when ministered for the son's "profit."
The chastisement is represented as a sure sign of love: "for whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth. " If there is no chastisement, it is not only an indication of not being loved, but of being a "bastard" So we see that out of the very love of God springs chastisement. Thus, our original passage in Prov. 13:24, "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. "
If God's love is expressed by the "whippings" He gives, then can we not love our children enough to chasten them unto holiness? I have heard a rebellious teenager say, "If they only loved me enough to whip me."

There is a time and place for discipline, but this man's whole emphasis seems to be about punishment. Really, if you set the boundaries and have guidelines, your whole day doesn't have to be about punishment. And I'm talking about your average child, not the ones who came to you with serious emotional and behavioral issues. Even then, the emphasis should be on teaching other things such as life skills, bonding and attachment and shared activities.

I would reserve the physical punishment for outright defiance. With the twins, we give them a chance to correct the behavior. Next we move to jumping jacks. This replaces time out for us because they just brood in time out. So we get some energy out. And it doesn't harm them. One tends to be lazy so it's a better thing for him that being told to sit, which is what he wants to do anyway! If that doesn't work, we sent them to think on their bed, or if it's evening, we send them to bed. If that fails, then we spank. So it's the third or fourth option. And it's three swats, not ten like the Pearls suggest. It's one extra if they kick, bite etc. during the three swats. One likes to take off running and at first I'd chase her, but then she was winning so now I just wait. And she gets the fourth swat.

Pearl says, Don't think of the rod as a weapon of defense or a show of force; think of the rod as a "magic wand."

Here are their guidelines for spanking. It sounds as though the child is the enemy to be completely defeated. Well, that's pretty much what he says.


The child should be able to anticipate the coming rod by your utterly calm and controlled spirit.
At this point, in utter panic, he will rush to demonstrate obedience. Never reward delayed obedience by reversing the sentence. And, unless all else fails, don't drag him to the place of cleansing. Part of his training is to come submissively. However, if you are just beginning to institute training on an already rebellious child, who runs from discipline and is too incoherent to listen, then use whatever force is necessary to bring him to bay. If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final.
Otherwise, tell him to bend over on the bed or couch; and while he is in this position give some choice admonition. You have his undivided attention. Slowly begin to spank. If you go too fast, you may not allow time enough for the inner transformation to occur.
Use your own judgment as to what is effective. I found five to ten licks usually sufficient. Sometimes, with older children, usually when the licks are not forceful enough, the child may still be rebellious. If this occurs, take time to instruct and then continue the spanking. A general rule is to continue the disciplinary action until the child is surrendered. A spanking is made effective, not by its severity, but by its certainty. Spankings don't have to be as hard where they are consistently applied. Your calm dignity will set the stage to make it more effective.






Their severe potty training rules and bedwetting rules will just make the kid more nervous and more likely to have accidents. This following advice concerns a three-year-old!



So, my suggestion was that the father explain to the boy that, now that he was a man, he would no longer be washed in the house. He was too big and too stinky to be cleaned by the babywipes. From now on, he would be washed outside with a garden hose. The child was not to be blamed. This was to be understood as just a progressive change in methods. The next dump, the father took him out and merrily, and might I say, carelessly, washed him off. What with the autumn chill and the cold well water, I don't remember if it took a second washing or not, but, a week later, the father told me his son was now taking himself to the pot.


Okay, I could go on and on. You can read the junk for yourself. And there may be a few good parenting tips in the book--like at one point he suggests parents spend time playing on the floor with their children--but it's just not worth it to find them.




I guess my parenting is common sense parenting. We take the kids potty one last time around 10. They don't get drinks after supper. If they wet the bed, they take all the stuff to the washer and they shower.


Not liking a food is not a spanking issue as far as I'm concerned. The little ones have to try a few bites of everything because it was all new to them just 20 mos ago. If you throw the vegetables on the floor, you'll get a bigger helping the second time. If they hit the floor again, you aren't hungry and I'll put your plate in the fridge until you tell me you're ready to eat it--vegetables and all. But I don't let that carry over and at no time do they go to bed hungry.


The bigger ones pretty much know what they like and what they don't. If they don't like what I fix, they can make a sandwich. I don't make a separate meal, but neither will I let food issues spoil a meal. If it happened much, we'd have to rethink it. Jasmine really only likes pastas and doesn't like any kind of meat. She has to eat a little and has to eat the vegetables (there are usually two to choose from).


If a child won't pick something up, it goes to the utility room for a week. If they destroy something, it's gone. I don't replace it. If it belongs to someone else, the offender replaces it even if they have to clean the bathroom for a week to earn the money.


Some things are just common sense, and not everything requires a spanking. I'd save it for defiance. Sometimes parents get "creative" with discipline. I've heard of making them drink nasty stuff if they lie and things like that. I would just think about what that really teaches them and if it solves the problem. Also ask yourself, "How would this sound if they told their teacher about it?" because kids do share what happens at home and teachers do have to report things they consider abusive. Since they don't live with your child, something may sound abusive to them because they haven't dealt with the issues. When two of my boys were constantly stealing, I sewed all their pockets shut. I had a teacher become very concerned about that, but I simply pointed out that having pockets is not necessary to their emotional or physical health and that you can purchase pants without pockets, but I didn't want to reward their stealing with new pants.


Some things are just childish misunderstandings or lack of experience issues. Never spank for those. Explain the expectations or how to do something, then let the child try again.


My final point is, I think this man is arrogant claiming his way is the right way and acting like people's criticism makes him more holy. No, it's people starting to recognize child abuse.




From an article by Michael Pearl (notice he refers to himself in third person in the first line)


You may have noticed No Greater Joy and Michael Pearl receiving a lot of negative press lately over advocating corporal discipline as part of a comprehensive child training program. Television reporters came out to the office. We were in newspapers from coast to coast. Even CBS, after running an uninformed criticism of us, offered to fly us to New York to answer their unfounded charges on The Morning Show. I was eager to answer, and readily agreed. Those of you on our email list were immediately informed and many of you prayed for the will of God to be done. CBS called for a pre-interview and then canceled the afternoon before the show. I think they discovered in the pre-interview that I was not the Bible thumping caricature they had hoped. (No it was Barbara Curtis urging everyone to call or e-mail and ask them to examine what he teaches and at least invite a few other people to present alternatives to his discipline method)One news outlet reviewed and gave a very positive review, saying there was nothing in our material that would ever lead to child abuse. On the bright side, our sales skyrocketed this month. Even before this recent publicity, one out of every 75 Americans have been introduced to our ministry.
It’s a battle I would not have fought so boldly twenty years ago when we still had small children at home. The potential for institutional retribution is too great—almost a certainty. But I am now too old to be intimidated, and the battle is much bigger than the spanking flap. They’re not just coming after me, but all parents who believe parenting is a God-given responsibility.


Not so. I think most of us feel that way. We try to find what works best for each child. We try to find nurturing ways to help them make right choices. We don't believe spanking is appropriate for every single infraction.


Their family is HERE. Look at all those pretty little grandchildren. I pray they aren't raised using his methods!!


These comments are all just my opinion. I am not a parenting expert but I have 1 step child, 2 birth children and 5 adopted children. We also fostered 11 children. I have a master's degree in elementary education. But my thoughts are just from my own experiences and what I've learned and from common sense.



Okay. I'm done. Your turn.

No One Asked Me

I'm sure everyone has already heard about this STORY.



A thirteen year old girl, Hana, adopted from Ethiopia in 2008 died from abuse and neglect. The parents say the girl was rebellious and had to be punished. But rebellion included standing a few inches from where she was told to stand or getting the answer to a math problem wrong.



I read the whole 16 page report filed and it was ugly reading. The parents had very strict punishments that included Hana eating alone outside no matter the weather. She was often given frozen vegetables as her meal. She had to use an outside port potty and was often showered with an outside hose year round (she lived in WA state and it gets cold!). She was put outside hours at a time in the cold as a punishment. She basically lived in a dark closet. One of the biological children said in an interview that she was taken out every other day to walk around and exercise. She hadn't participated in family meals or home schooling for over a year because she was living in the closet. She had gone up to two days at a time without eating. She was not allowed to celebrate her birthday or Christmas because she didn't deserve to. She stood outside in the cold on Christmas day watching through the window. Excuse me, but wasn't Christmas about Jesus coming to give us abundant life through his own life, death and resurrection?



There was such a long list of inhumane punishments that I can't remember them all but you can find the 16 page report on line. But she finally died because she was out several hours in cold rain without adequate clothing. She was so thin she didn't survive it.





I have seen people comment that the girl probably had reactive attachment disorder and a very difficult child. There is nothing to indicate that. Her crimes were not knowing how to shower correctly or moving off a certain spot.



Even if she was difficult, she deserved food, clothing, shelter from the cold and somewhere appropriate to sleep. The price for a warm shower or meal was 30 days of good behavior--by the parent's standard of good. And if she had attachment disorders--and who could blame her--locking her in the closet days on end is not a good attachment tool!




Many of us have dealt with difficult children, children who acted very unlovable at times and downright hateful at others. But you still act in the best interest of the child. You feed them because that's what they need. You give them a safe place to sleep because that's what they need. You give them clothes that are adequate even if they aren't the latest name brand.



I think one reason this family got away with the abuse is because they were so self contained. They were home schooled and often home churched. The girl (and also the boy adopted with her) were seldom seen. That allowed the torture of this girl to go mostly undetected. I am not against homeschooling, but I am when it's used to control the children.




If this family were struggling and just unsuccessfully trying different approaches, I would understand. We don't all discipline the same. I had a child who would tell people that we starved him and locked him in a closet. He would say whatever would get him sympathy and get people to buy him things. He was a pro at manipulating people. But he was gone to public school eight hours a day and there was never a mark on his body or a time when he didn't have adequate clothing. At times he would intentionally destroy his clothing and tell people he didn't have any. He would eat his lunch on the bus and say I wouldn't pack him a lunch. His closet was such a mess there would have been no way for him to be in the closet besides which, our closets don't have locks.




Yes, there were times he was given extra chores. And push ups and spankings (we rarely use this anymore). He missed out on some fun times. There were a few times when he had sandwiches instead of a hot meal, but those were a result of him refusing to do something he was supposed to do and there was a chance for him to correct the situation and join us should he choose to. And he was given two sandwiches, a vegetable and a fruit.




So in a way this case catches my attention because it's what a child accused us of, and what a few people probably wondered if we were guilty of, but with social workers in and out constantly to check on foster children and all the children in the public school, it was obvious these things couldn't be going on. My child ran races. He played soccer. He went to church. He went to school. He went to camp.



And the case catches my attention because I can't believe that parents could be so abusive. They hated the girl. The mother complained to a few friends that the girl was wrecking her life. She had wanted a very young child. Then why did she accept the referral of an older girl and boy? And if she hated the girl so much, why not call the agency to find the girl another home? There are plenty of adoptive families who have readopted a child whose first adoptive home didn't work out. Yeah, I think it would be hard to adopt a preteen from another country. She is used to her own culture, language and food and is probably pretty set in her ways. It would take a real nurturing spirit to teach her new ways while not taking her own culture from her. But it can be done and I know of parents who are dealing with teen children from Haiti and from China. It's certainly hard at times, but they are making it one day at a time.



I know I'm venting. I have five adopted children. It's not always easy, but it's what we're called to do. And most of the time we love it. Our adopted children are doing great right now. At least, no differently than our bio children. I'm venting because a child who was brought to the states for a better life is dead. A child who may or may not have longed for a family to love her received only harshness and pain.





No one asked me, but you got my opinion anyway. Feel free to post your comments whether you agree with me or not. But be nice.