More Than I Wanted to Know

I wish I could say all is great here, and in some ways it is. But in others, it's not. I am learning more about the juvenile court system than I wanted to know. I wish I'd known about the teen court program long ago, but maybe it didn't exist.

The information below contains specific details because I know I am not the only one with kids who steal. So please pass on this post if it offends you.

Many of you remember that Kayla was charged with a misdemeanor for stealing $40 from Tyler, taking it to school and then leaving campus with friends to  spend it. Ty dropped Jasmine and Kaleb at their schools and was driving home near where Kayla goes to school and saw her waltzing down the street, arms full of shopping bags. She saw him and took off running. He called me, and I called the school.

They were waiting for her. Since she had stolen money many times before, Tyler went to the school and talked to the School Resource Officer (SRO) and pressed charges. However since he only pressed charges for those $40 and not the rest of his money or the money stolen from me,she went to teen court and was tried by other teens. Prior to going she had a notebook of information to read and answer questions about and essays to write. Three times they wanted to boot her out of the program, but we begged them to let her try again. Finally we told her we would not intervene again. If she had another violation she'd have to go to DJJ instead. At court she received an essay and community service hours. She ended up with an extra week for violations. 

She finished the program, but she has never really felt remorse. Since she stole from her brother, she does not feel that's really stealing. Then she took $5 out of Rick's wallet and recently took an iPod belonging to a family member and had no intention of returning it. However, she was seen with it, so I was told. This makes me think maybe teen court did not get her attention after all. Rick called the SRO, who of course remembered her. He let her know that removing an iPod from the house with no intentions of returning it is every bit as much theft as stealing money from a stranger. But she doesn't see it that way. And she really made that iPod hers, adding subscriptions, watching videos etc. And she got indignant that Rick called her SRO, but since the iPod was at school all week, it made sense. She complained to me about the SRO, and I told her fine, let's go to the sheriff's office and press charges, and she got quiet in a hurry. 

At the same time, Kaleb has been stealing from Ty for months. Ty always felt he was missing money, but couldn't prove it. Then he found money on Kaleb. 

I accused Kaleb of taking Ty's keys and opening his cash register style box from our shop. He said, "No. I didn't need to. I can work the money out the little hole on the top"!!! No remorse, no nothing. We made Kaleb list everything he'd stolen and from where. Hidden in Ty's underwear drawer, out of the bank envelope hidden in Ty's van etc. Almost $200 and that does not include what he's taken from me.

Rick has taken Kaleb to the sheriff before, and the sheriff said, "You need to apologize and stop stealing." I guess they never really listened. Ty got really angry last time because it was $50, and he needed gas for his van. So we took the list and Kaleb to the sheriff's office. Gave them the list and said Ty was pressing charges.

When they saw the list, they took him back for questioning. They were back there a long time. I wondered if Kaleb was trying to get their sympathy by telling them how horrible we all are. I don't know if it's just my kids, but they will lie about things to get the attention off of them and on us. 

The sheriff finally came out and said, "he's not going to teen court, he's going to DJJ." But I thought they said DCF and thought that he was getting off the hook and was filing an abuse charge or something. I started to panic, and Ty repeated what the sheriff had said. Then the sheriff said Kaleb was defiant, oppositional and showed no remorse. They booked him for 3rd degree felony and took him out in cuffs. 

Yeah, I lost it when I saw my 70 pound son cuffed and put in the back of a squad car to go downtown to DJJ. I picked him up three hours later, and he acted like nothing had happened. They indicated that there might be mental health issues, and I was actually happy because I've always thought that, but no one would listen.

The problem is that he's like two different kids. One calm, helpful, funny and a great kid. The other dark, defiant and a bit scary. The sheriff and DJJ saw that side. But by time we went to the mental health screening, he was calm, easy going and came across as a normal 12-year-old child.

So we waited for his court date. The sheriff said he'd probably get six months for a third degree felony, but when we got there, they'd changed the dollar amount (maybe they couldn't read the sheriff's writing?) and called it a misdemeanor. Since he is so small and young and a first time offender, they offered him a program called the juvenile alternative program. He didn't even have to go before the judge. He was sentenced 25 hours of community service, but his representative knocked it down to 15.  

He has not yet started the program, so I don't know what all is involved. But he is not taking it very seriously at this point. Maybe once the program starts he will. We meet with the lady in charge on Monday.

Right now we are dealing with two kids who feel entitled to steal from family members and who have negative attitudes about being asked to do extra chores to make up for what they've taken. Hopefully this will end once they really realize it is not getting them what they want.

In the meantime, we continue to have family circle two nights a week, and a game night one night a week. Everyone takes part no matter the behaviors during the week. I did not do this when the first two adopted children were having similar issues, but I wish I had. Still, it was a whole different situation and I doubt either of them would have wanted to take part in a game time at that time. Still, I wish I'd had something fun that was unconditional each week. But it's hard to see that when you're in the middle of it. And their stealing was constant. Every single day. But mostly it was not money as with the twins probably because the other kids didn't have that much money at the time, so there wasn't the option to steal money.

At times I'm tempted to send both twins to bed before games, but I know that sharing fun times is important to bonding and feeling part of a family, so we do it.

I've also told both of them that they can try out for track this month, but if there are stealing violations or seriously poor behavior, they will give up that right. We will see what happens.

The biggest difference between the issues with the twins from the issues with Jeff and Adam is that I've learned not to take it personally. Now I will just say, "I see that you've chosen to do X, and I accept your decision to give up X" (a movie, playing outside or whatever they would have been allowed to do). They will say, "I didn't say I wanted to give that up," and I will simply remind them that their behaviors made the choice.

So this is the end of a long true life post. I wonder if any of the rest of you are dealing with stealing, lying etc and what has worked for you.

Teen Court

Some of you have messaged me asking how the Teen Court program works. 

I am going to answer the questions here as I hope this information may help another parent who is going through some of the issues we were and who may find teen court works for that child. I don't know if every state or even every county has this program.

This program is for first time misdemeanor offenders to give them a chance to avoid the DJJ program.

So for Kayla, this is how it worked. (She is okay with me sharing this info). She and Kaleb had previously stolen quite a bit of money from myself and Tyler. He gave them warning that he would press charges the next time. 

The next time came too soon. Kayla took quite a bit of money from his shop money which was in my room in a box under my bed. She told him she needed to be to school early for band practice, so he dropped her off and then dropped off Jasmine and Kaleb at their schools. The trip home took him back close to Kayla's school. 

Ironically, it timed out that he saw her walking down the street with several friends loaded down with shopping bags from three stores and Burger King. It was only five minutes until school was supposed to start. He called to her, and she took off running. He called me, and I called the school. They were waiting for her when she arrived. She said the money belonged to one of the other girls. The principal separated them and questioned each one separately. The other girls all agreed it was Kayla's money.

She was in trouble with the school for leaving campus (quite a ways from campus too) once she had arrived and with us for the theft and also leaving school as well as lying about needing to be there early.

We attempted to return what she'd bought ($40 of soda, junk food and candy) but she didn't save the receipts and the shops wouldn't take it back. I put it away, and she snuck in, got it and ate much of it.

A police report was filed through the school resource officer, and she was turned over to teen court. This was at the very end of the school year. The next day she punched another student in the face and did not finish the year. Everything was scheduled to happen two weeks later which was just before our North Carolina trip and before she was to leave for mission camp, and we pleaded for her to be able to go so no one lost any of the $2,100. They agreed only if she'd have the homework done ahead. She was given a notebook that included information about shoplifting, different terms used in court and to describe crimes and some other things. She had to read them and answer questions. She had to write two short essays and one long one about the importance of goals and achievement. I had to coach her through that one. 

She did not complete the work and was told she had to go to DJJ. We again pleaded on her behalf. They let her stay in the program. She went before a jury of peers, there were also two teen lawyers. The jury was made up of kids who were also in the program. After the lawyers presented her case, the jury was allowed to ask questions, and all of them asked her why she thought it was okay to steal from family and why she'd bought so much junk food (the teen court lady had brought pictures of what she'd bought and also told them the total amount over all that had been stolen over the past few months that we know of).

The jury went out to discuss the case, then came back in and Kayla was assigned 32 hours community service, a 500 word essay about family,  a life skills class and four jury duty details.

Kayla was also interviewed by a child protection place, and since she was mad about having to give up soccer due to Saturday community service, she vented quite badly. So we ended up having to deal with DFCS. We voluntarily entered the Empowerment Parenting program, and they say we are their model family. They've suggested some of our ideas to other families even.

Kayla was told to report at 7:00 a.m. four Saturdays with work gloves, a lunch and a gallon jug of water. She late for her second community service and was given a strict warning but was allowed to stay. Then she was late again and turned away. That meant she not only had to make up that one, but she was given an extra one. And she was given a 500 essay about the importance of being on time.

And here's the problem. There are new kids in the program, so she couldn't do the make up days the following two weeks. She was bumped to September 23 and October 7. October 7th is the day that Jasmine, she and I chose for our girl's weekend out. The hotel is non refundable, so Jasmine and I will be going without her. This is not by my choice, but by her choice not to get up. She has to get herself up and get all her supplies ready. She also got smart with the sheriff in charge, who then requested she be removed from the program. For the third (and last!) time, we worked out the deal about the essay and extra week in order for her to finish the program.

So now she just has one community service day until she has completed the program. They have warned her that she has used up her one "get out of jail free" card very young. However, the stealing seems to have ended. She arrives home 5-10 minutes before the rest of us, and she has been responsible in getting the dogs out and fed before we get home. 

If she successfully finishes the last day of community service and does a few jobs she owes us, she will be able to try out for the middle school basketball team. She does have to bring her grades up to be eligible, but she has made a good effort.

Because she is missing the girls' weekend, I got tickets for Rick, Kayla and Jasmine for a local father-daughter dance. She doesn't know yet. It is Friday, and I will post pictures. I will say this ahead. Our girls wear nice church dresses for dances up until 9th grade. It was that way for both Jessica and Jasmine, and it will be that way for Kayla. Hopefully she will accept that Jasmine will be wearing a homecoming dress (it was Tuesday night, but Jasmine chose not to go due to too much homework so didn't wear the dress) and she will wear a church dress of her choice.

I meant to post this a couple of days ago, but got caught up in other things. So now you have the story. And I'll try to post dance photos a little more promptly.

What's Up?

Well, Jasmine is up! Way, way up north about 40 miles south of the Canadian border. They left Friday afternoon and only made it a couple of hours before the bus broke down. They were supposed to arrive in KY at their hotel about 9 p.m. but arrived at 5:30 a.m. and slept for a bit. They went on to Holland MI where they sang at Benjamin's Hope. Monday they were at Mackinac Island and today are at a camp.

Biking on Mackinac Island

On the ferry to the Island

Sunday was parent/child dedication at church, and Winter was dedicated. Hunter wasn't there, so Jessica went up with River (siblings usually go up too) and Winter, one in each arm. She was last, so Pastor took Winter and held her during closing prayer. Then he invited everyone to stay for the reception and said, "I'm taking this one with me, but I'll give her back." That was really nice of him. And Winter was a total angel. She had woken up,but she just looked up at him perfectly calm.  

 Praying for all the parents and babies

 River is thinking, "That man has my sissy."

 I love this picture of Pastor walking down the steps with Winter. It's like the verse where Jesus says, "Let the little children come to me..."

 The twins were there, but they were more interested in the food tables than pictures.

Yesterday Kayla and I went to inprocess for Teen Court. I think it will be a very good thing for her. She has a whole notebook of homework to do. She has to go to a life skills class that I will also attend with her. She has to appear in a court with a teen jury who will determine her community service hours and other things, she has to have an evaluation and she has to do both public apologies in court and written apologies. She will have a jail tour and has the option to go to the ME office. No dead bodies, but it is required if there are any drugs involved, which there is not so she does not have to do this step.

The good thing is that the lady will allow her to go on our short vacation and on to mission camp for five weeks, and that will count as 8 community service hours. Then she'll start her court things. Unfortunately both she and Kaleb are several hundred dollars short for camp.

Another good thing is that when I told the lady we had a completed homestudy to adopt a teen boy she didn't tell us we were crazy, ask why we'd want another one when we were going through this with one etc but said that we are doing a good thing giving another child a chance and dealing with the issues with the ones we have.

We have not yet gotten the final copy of the home study so have not inquired about any specific boys. I am afraid that most of them will not want to leave their counties, schools, and friends to start over in a new place though. We will see what happens.

Jasmine's tour finishes Sunday with a concert at our home church, although we are not the church that sponsors the choir. The kids are from many churches. Tuesday three of us pack up and leave for NC with the other three following on Friday. From there, Jasmine and I will go on to Elkhart, IN, Cincinnati, OH and Montgomery, AL and home. The others will drop the twins at camp at Merritt Island and then head home. I will be gone June 13 to July 1. 

I am going to be a mess because my hair is in serious need of a cut and perm but the lady who does it is out because of foot surgery. Her niece was going to do it but then had some weird stuff happen with stroke like symptoms and is now out too. I'm going to go for the scraggily look rather than have someone I don't know do it. I have quirky hair and am seriously afraid I'd greatly regret letting someone else do it.

What's up with you guys?