Never Say...

Never. It's more than a popular preteen song, it's parenting advice.

I would never send a child away.

I would never make a child leave.

I would never believe bad things about my child.

I would never blame my adopted child for his behaviors.

And so on.

Really?

How do you know?

Where is your limit?

I recently had someone post some rude things on facebook first about people who write about depressing things rather than cheerful things, and then about people who give up on the children God gave them.

The better "never" might be, I will never judge another mom since I'm not living her life. But I sometimes catch myself doing that. I see a mom scream at a child in the grocery store and I congratulate myself on being smart enough to shop alone and to not yell at a child in public. But maybe that mom has no one to watch her kids and this child has been acting out all day. Maybe she's just too frazzled to deal with it calmly.

I don't always make the right parenting decisions. In fact, 13 year ago when Jeff came home, I made some bad ones. I tried to use logical consequences--You stole his treat, you use your allowance to replace it. This made no sense to him. Because we weren't dealing with a child who thought about actions and consequences. Little was known about attachment. Or maybe it was but you couldn't just go on Internet and look up the topic and get ideas and support like you can now. Our nearest attachment counselor was 3 1/2 hours away and she wanted to see the whole family every day for an hour the first week. Oh, and it was about $300 a session not covered by insurance. Couldn't do it.

We went through the lies, manipulation, stealing, false reports to teachers about abuse, threats against the other children by his "friends" and so on. I hated getting up in the morning. And I was beginning to hate being a parent. I love that now there are some respite care options for parents, and those are great. But two children were bringing our whole family down and we decided to get one out-of-home care for one. The place we really needed to send him was $3,500 a month out of pocket and we couldn't do that. So we settled for somewhere that would at least keep him, and my other children, safe.

We assumed he'd be home in a year or two but the years passed and they never felt it was to the point where he could make good decisions outside of a very structured environment. I agree, and unfortunately I do not think he's to that point yet. But he graduated high school in December, and we decided to bring him home until he went into the army. We thought it would just be a couple of months, but it turned out to be a five-month delay.

So we had him get a job. The money went to his head. He was buying trash and watching it, refusing to get rid of it even though it violated our values and rules. He refused to buy anything he needed--undershirts, socks, etc but spent $45 on "man spray" and the same on T-shirts. If we tried to give him rules, he'd say he was his own man. If we tried to get him to take responsibility, he'd say he was 18 and didn't have to.

We could not continue living that way. If you have children with attachment issues, then you know what that feels like. And when they are just weeks short of their 18th birthday it gets very, very complicated. I did not feel like I could keep either him or the younger ones safe any longer.

Two of the other children decided to use the chaos from this situation to try and get away with some things of their own. One lost privileges he had just started earning. He needs to prove he is trustworthy to be allowed to just hang out at the mall and around town again. He will be driven and picked up from activities and from the job he starts Saturday.

Although some parents believe in never removing a child from the home, our family is not the best place for Jeff to be. And it is not healthy for the younger ones to watch an almost-adult challenge parents and absolutely refuse to do something. What can you do? If you physically force them, they cry abuse. Take away stuff, he buys more. There is no option when a child absolutely refuses to obey. If they are younger, there are things you can do. Not when they are almost an adult. And I cannot allow his anger to be turned toward the younger ones. When he got angry at a friend at the camp, hit put his fist through a wall and broke his arm. 'nuff said.

Hope to have a happier post soon, but needed to address those who feel they can judge our family without being in this situation. It looks different from the inside. If you don't think so, just go to a high school and pick an angry, rebellious senior and move him into your home and force him to follow your rules. Because an unattached child feels like a stranger, especially when he hasn't lived with us since he was 12.

Beach Run

Yesterday morning was the beach run. The flyer said to meet at the beach house at 6:30 a.m.. My kids were there, but the others had walked the 1/4 mile down to the beach already and started the run down there at 6:30! So my three started way late, but it didn't really matter because it was for fun and they didn't even time the 1.5 mile run.

I was a bit bored waiting, so I took pictures of random things. Like these bird tracks.

And the water coming in.

Jasmine started out wearing shoes, but Adam ended up carrying them for her! What a nice big brother.

The water was beautiful.

The girls took advantage of being barefoot by running through the water. Jasmine even stopped to pick up shells druing the run! (Good thing it wasn't a timed run)

It was very peaceful since the other runners were already gone. They were all adults and with the head start, they finished by time mine were half way. Only the two men in charge were still there.

Jessica helped Jasmine get the sand off so we could drop her off at school. We were only two minutes late! Adam had late start due to testing. The twins didn't run this because they aren't ready for it and it wasn't really for children, but they will be running the 1/2 mile Bunny Hop Saturday morning.

Weekend

I've added more books to my list of 100 picture books everyone should read. The list is HERE. I tried not to do more than 2 or 3 books for any one author or it would be easy to fill the list up with Seuss, Berenstain, Asch, Richard Scarry and McCluskey and be done with it. Which of the books have you read to your children? Which do you own?

The weekend was full. We colored some eggs. Jessica helped Jasmine, Kayla and Kaleb. Adam made one later, but I don't have a picture.

It seemed like everyone was in a pretty serious mood while we colored eggs. Maybe because they haven't done it before. Jasmine has, but it's been a few years.

Jeff was still here, but he ignored us and stayed in his room. But that's pretty much how it has been the past few weeks. There was a lot of tension knowing that he was leaving.

Saturday morning I took Jasmine to Sear's Portrait Studio to get her picture taken. She looks so good. There are stitches up the back of her neck but we did her hair straight, not in braids, so you can't even tell. She did great and I'll post those once I have them. They'll be done the 29th.

After seeing Tangled, I told Jasmine I knew a horse like Maximus. The kids didn't know that Jessica and I have taken a few riding lessons. We go Friday mornings while they are in school, and haven't really talked about it because we weren't sure if we were going to continue or not. It's pretty expensive. We've gone six times since Thanksgiving when we started.

Adam was not sure about the horses. He never did let one eat out of his hand, but he did help feed them from the buckets.

I only had Adam and Jasmine with me. Tyler and Jessica were at work, and the twins were not being obedient at home so no outing for them. That's kind of my rule--if you won't listen to me at home, how can I trust you to listen to me when we're somewhere else? Running around crazy, screaming would have spooked the horses and I'd be in trouble with the owner.

Doesn't he remind you of Maximus from Tangled? He's been boarding at the farm where we ride, but his owner is back from an overseas tour, so he'll be leaving. He's the one I ride, and he's easy.

This is the horse Jessica rides now. Since Runner is leaving, I moved to the horse she'd been riding, and she moved to this one. She's happy because her original one can be temperamental, and now I'm riding him.

This was Adam's favorite. He's only one and not gelded yet.

The man from Jacksonville showed up for Jeff around 8:30 p.m. Saturday. A lady from the camp was with him too. I'm kind of disappointed because I gave them a bag of gifts for Jeff for his birthday next week and asked them to put them away until then. Then I found out they watched one of the movies we'd given him for his birthday on the trip from our house to Jax. I would have thought they'd honor my request about his presents. Oh well. He just won't have any to open on his birthday. I sent an Easter basket full of goodies too, and they probably ate those on the way.

We went to the bay after morning church Sunday. It was a little cool (74F) but I wanted to take the jet ski out and make sure it was running okay after sitting all winter.

Jessica and Anthony hadn't changed yet because Anthony had a job interview. He hasn't been able to find a job (maybe not looking too hard because both Jeff and Adam were able to get jobs within two weeks of starting to look)so I suggested he go to Burger King and apply Saturday morning since Jeff's last day was Friday. Obviously there would be an opening. Sometimes timing is everything so we told Anthony to go to BK and apply and be really friendly. Both my boys got their jobs because they were told they seemed friendly and had nice smiles.

So Anthony went to the interview and was told to call today before 3:00. I'm hoping that since they told him to call, he has a good chance of getting the job.

Everyone was at the beach except Tyler who had to work, but the twins didn't make it into the pictures. I didn't really take very many pictures this time.

It was a beautiful day, but the spray in my face was cold! It's supposed to be in the 80s this week so the water should warm up some.

Jessica, Adam and maybe Jasmine are doing a 1.5 mile beach run at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow. Early, but that's about the time everyone is leaving for school anyway.

Friday I am taking Tyler, Jessica and probably Adam to UWF to look it over, and then Saturday is the Bunny Hop 5K and 1/2 mile run.

Adult Children part 2

Okay, as promised, a post about the other three adult and almost-adult children.

Tyler and Jessica are in Explorers. This is a police department program for kids 9th grade and up. You don't have to be going into police work to be in it. They do learn police procedure in the weekly meetings, but the color guard unit marches in parades, all the Explorers help with parking and security for events, they patrol the malls and walk people to their cars Friday and Saturday evenings between Thanksgiving and Christmas. They host a party for one of the poorer schools. There is also a Swat team. During the summer they go to a rugged boot camp and also have competitions. They do bike work and ride alongs.

Jessica was not in it before because she had dance, tumbling and marching band. Then she decided she wanted to go into criminology about a year and a half ago, and she'd quit marching band, so she joined Explorers. Tyler has been in it about 4-5 years but not totally involved because he doesn't plan to go into police work. >

Jessica got to know Anthony at boot camp last year. Then he started hanging out at the bay with us, jet skiing and kayaking. He and Tyler did some exploring by kayak.

These aren't the older kids, but they went along to support the older kids. Adam had gymnastics and tumbling and didn't get there until it was basically over.

Jessica got three awards--sixty hours training with academy, 16 hours training and 25 hours involvement and one-year award. She also got promoted to corporal.

As I mentioned earlier, Adam is in tumbling and gymnastics. He has been doing pretty well minus the incident with the iPod. Sometimes the kids get upset with him but it's just differences in personality. He's a lot more outgoing and harder to ignore. He turns on the charm with the girls and when in trouble. But if it's not a values issue, I can accept it.

We have a wide spectrum when it comes to personalities from very introverted to very extroverted. It can be challenging to sort out what are personality differences and what are behavioral issues.

Adam just got a job at Church's Chicken. There is a delay in his paperwork so he hasn't started yet.

Tyler got his acceptance to UWF. He has to pull up one grade first. He is hesitant, but he needs to try this. Money is going to be an issue and he'll have to apply for loans. I think he needs to try being away at college for a semester. And the community college doesn't have his program. He could do one more semester at the community college but that's it.

Jessica has another year at the community college and then she can transfer next door to FSU for the underwater crime scene major or other criminology major, she can go into the police academy or she can go to UWF. Well, there's hundreds of choices but these are the ones she's considering. She's not sure she can scuba dive due to some damage to her ear.

I am taking Tyler, Jessica and Adam on a college visit to UWF next Friday. They've been before but now that Tyler has his acceptance there are certain things we need to be looking for.

All in all, I'm proud of these three, happy that they are all Christians (as in born again not as in we are a Christian nation) although there are different levels in how openly they live it. I have talked to all four older children about this recently trying to find out how real it is to them and making sure they aren't just living by a list of rules. Each of them has an idea of what they want to do in their adult life and how to achieve it. And they are getting much better at supporting their siblings in their activities. Each has summer plans that we'll share more about as the time gets nearer.

All for now!

More Issues

Last time I started to write about the adult children but got sidetracked talking about some of the issues here right now. I can tell you this, they have not gotten better. In fact, after grounding Jeff from his bike for repeated violations including running red lights, no helmets, ear phones in, disrupting traffic, light off after dark even though there is one on the bike etc, Jeff went and bought another bike. Rode it home no helmet, ear phones in his ears. (Yep, that is illegal in most states).

I told him to ride it back to the store and he said we could not boss him around and could not keep him from riding it. It got really, really ugly as he shouted over everything I tried to tell him. He tried to take off on the bike, but not to return it and I made him get back in the house. Normally I let him go where ever but I could tell he was looking for trouble. I told him not to make me get the sheriff to bring him back because his recruiter would not like hearing that. Only thing I have to hold over him.

Rick woke him up at 6 this morning to return the bike before he left for work. Jeff absolutely refused to get up so Rick just stood there telling him to get out of bed until he finally did. He was not happy. Rick drove him and the bike to Walmart. Jeff wanted Rick to leave--obviously so he could keep the bike.

Rick stayed and then dropped him off to take care of something and instructed him to go to work not back to the house. (He threatened to trash our stuff and made a few other threats earlier).

Anyway, for safety reasons and because he absolutely refuses to acknowledge our authority in any way (and he will be 18 in a week), Jeff is leaving Saturday night to stay with a man he knows from the home for troubled youth he was at. He is very angry with us about this but he has no choice. With turning 18 next week, we could just ask him to leave. But we are sending him to someone we know can keep him safe and who Jeff will listen to. This man has not seen the side of Jeff we have because he will be charming unless you cross him. His emotions are very superficial. I worry about any female that may fall for him because I do not think he is able to attach but she may not know that until too late or may not understand what the problem is.

Unfortunately the little ones witnessed all of the things going on and we need to help them work through it all.

In Jeff's favor, he is a hard worker and he seems to have set some goals for his adult life. If he stays focused, he should be able to reach them.

Okay, so I'm going to end this and I promise that the next post will be me bragging on my almost-adult and adult children.

it's too quiet

on here. i feel like i'm talking to myself. someone list favorite books please and someone who has gone through the adult child gone mad thing please post survival tips!

Adult Children part 1

My four oldest children are close in age.

In fact Tyler and Jessica, both birth children, are 12 months, 3 weeks and one day apart. I wanted them close and Jessica true to her nature was in a hurry : ) With Tyler's delays, they often seemed like twins. Now most people assume Jessica is older. Just one of the quirks of having an asperger child. (Who was not diagnosed until age 15 when someone finally listened to me).

Jeff is 20 months and two weeks younger than Jessica and Adam is 20 months and two weeks younger than Jeff. Jeff's assigned birthday is actually on the exact midpoint between Adam and Jessica's birthdays.

However, Adam joined our family first.

Jeff joined our family just a couple of months before his fifth birthday while we were living in England.

Having children close in age meant they had a lot of shared interests and we could plan activities that would include all of them. (This photo includes two foster children but it was ages ago so not like anyone is going to care). It also meant a lot of sibling squabbles. But that goes with the territory.

Now they are 20, 19, 17 and 16. So they are all adults or almost adults together. We've traded in things like how to get all the car seats, strollers and bags to our destination to how to survive teaching them to to drive, get and keep a job, apply for college and so on.

They have different personalities, strengths and weaknesses. This leads to some issues between them but we are helping them sort out what are personalities differences from what are more serious things like values issues. One child drive the others crazy constantly snapping fingers or tapping on something. Doesn't bother me because it's not important overall.

We are having some more serious issues right now. We have a child who does not seem to have a walk with God. Some of you won't think that's important and that's okay. It's important to me though that kids are real in their faith. One tends to be more legalistic and act out of feelings that God might do something to him if he doesn't do the right thing. I don't like that because I want his relationship with God to be based on grace and a real relationship with Christ. I've seen too many people with a legalistic faith turn from God when things don't work out. He has an overactive conscious and I've been talking to him about that, but I know his faith is real.

It's the child who can give all the right answer but doesn't seem to have a heart knowledge of God that worries me. I've tried to talk to him but just get, "I know all that mom. I'm fine." But he's not. He's watching things that he shouldn't be filling his mind with. He's listening to music filled with sex talk and violence. He's deceitful and rebellious. He is not quite 18 but thinks he doesn't have to listen to us at all. He's been back in the house almost four months now and it's been a hard four months. His computer has had serious problem due to things he accesses. We have our modem set to PG 13 but there are ways to get links to bad stuff through okay sites.

When we try to talk to him he blows us off saying he's an adult now. But he still lives in our house. I ignore the messy room with unmade bed and dirty clothes and dishes everywhere. I even ignore the lying about all the girls who like him and want to date him. A couple of days ago his bike safety became an issue when we saw him bike right through a red light without even slowing down, helmet on the handle bars and ear phones in (illegal in FL). Cars had to stop for him. When I confronted him later he told me "it's not like I'm driving a car, there are no rules. Rick printed him off the FL rules for bicyclists. But I'm pretty sure he knew.

We know he never wears a helmet and have told him as long as he lives here he needs to wear one but with running red lights etc we got tougher. I told him if I saw him without a helmet or running a red light or stop sign again, he'd no longer be allowed to ride the bike (belonging to another sibling). And if he didn't know to stop for red lights he wouldn't be driving when we get his citizenship paper to get his permit. VERY NEXT DAY he's biking down the street, no helmet and earphones in. Another of my kids saw him but didn't tell us until evening when we were together. He'd just gotten off work at that time and would be biking home at the time so since Rick had to go out for meds, he kept an eye out for our biker.

Sure enough, there he was no helmet, earphones in paying no attention to the rules of the road. So Rick pulled up and took the bike. He offered him a ride home but the child stomped off saying he'd just buy his own bike. Rick told him he could buy the bike, but he wouldn't be riding it while living here.

The child is counting down days until he goes into the army where he can do whatever he wants. Can you hear me laughing? I wonder what army that is? Sure, I won't be there telling him he can't watch R and X movies or listen to trash. But those choices will catch up with him. And I don't think running red lights whether on foot, bike or car will go over big on any base.

Unfortunately, this child only seems able to form very superficial relationships. Some of that may not be his fault, but he is resistant to trying to form any relationship that is not on his terms. And his charm stops when you cross him. And Rick and I have crossed him a lot lately.

Those of you who have adult children at home, what do you require of them? Do you still have basic rules about conduct in place? What do you do if they don't follow them since you can't really ground an adult?

Well, I didn't mean for this to all be about one child's issue. There are lots of good things to say to so I'll do about post about that next. Tonight is the Explorer's banquet and I am hoping my two police Explorers get awards.