Raising Adopted Kids is Tough

I haven't blogged lately because I've been super busy.

I also know that most of you would rather hear the good stuff--how we celebrated Valentine's Day and Jasmine's birthday for instance. It's nicer than hearing how Kayla stole everyone's treats because she gobbled hers down so fast and everyone else only had a little and then saved the rest.

You'd rather hear that Kaleb is doing great in band rather than that he sold $50 of candy bars, lied about turning the money in and then spent it going to Burger King two blocks from his school and to Winn Dixie next door buying megagobs of treats.

You'd rather hear that Kayla, who seemed to be doing better and was on the soccer team, had to drop out due to 58 violations of the contract between herself, me and the counselor in the first two weeks including stealing, lying, refusing to do jobs, and having a horrible attitude at home. She told us and the counselor that she's great at school and church, she saves the ugly behaviors for us.

Not to mention both twins stealing from my wallet and my car.

So it feels like we've gone not a step, but several miles backward. I have looked forward to middle school track for the twins, especially Kaleb, for many years, but they won't be trying out this year. We found the cool shoes for Kayla at thrift with the verse in them, but they'll remain in her closet until next year, by which time she will have probably outgrown them.

So for now we are on a very set schedule that includes no extras. No sports, no outside activities.

The counselor has to give a recommendation for our adoption, and she is not recommending it. I hope they forget to call her, but they won't, and over a year of planning and hoping will come crashing down. Every adoptive family I know has adopted even though one or two of their children have negative behaviors. That's the reality of it. We are the survivors and we adopt because we know how hard it is, and we know we can persevere. It's not for the faint of heart.

So that is where we are right now.

But next post I will go back to posting about Valentine's Day and Jasmine's birthday and all the good stuff. But you need to know, raising adopted kids is tough.

The Twins

The twins have been home from Haiti for four years now. Hard to believe that much time has passed. Overall, they are doing well considering what they came from. Those first four and a half years of their lives that we didn't have them were important years for growth, mental and physical development, conscience development, social interactions and so on. We can never get those years back, and we will never know what all went on in those years. 

They spent their first 14 months with both parents, then the mother died. The dad tried to raise them alone but ended up bringing them to the orphanage at about 20 months old. We requested them the first week they went on the list. It took us until they were over 4 1/2 years old to get them home.

In some ways the twins are a lot alike. They both like to read, both like learning new things, both are talkative and outgoing. They are also different. Kayla is pretty much on target for her age socially and developmentally. Kaleb is not. His social interactions are very young. I think there is an undiagnosed problem, but since he is learning academically, no one is looking for a problem. But my mommy instincts tell me we are missing something. 

I'm not going to go into problem areas here other than to say that  both have times when they bully, interact inappropriately with others, are defiant and lie. At this point we feel they understand these things, so they are intentionally making the choice to do these things. That means less privileges at times because they can't be trusted to take part in activities where we are not there to supervise. I know that you adoptive parents understand that well. (I realize biological children have issues too, but we have the advantage of having them from birth onward).

At this point, I'm not thinking they have serious attachment issues. We did everything  by the book when the first year they were home. When we didn't feel it, we faked it well :) 

They have come a long way, and I'm not anticipating any serious long term issues. Of course, you never know. But we went through a lot worse with two children not that long ago. 

Both of the twins like team sports. Kayla is much more athletic than Kaleb overall. He is a faster runner, but she is the more competitive, capable player. We also have to be careful that he is not hit in the head anywhere near his right eye because it's not very stable.

Neither twin has played baseball on a team. With the nicer weather recently, we've been going outside to play catch. Kaleb may play on the team. We have to decide soon. Kayla has had some issues at school recently that make us think she may sit this out. We have to decide by the 28th.

Both like to play outside, but we do not have much play time on school nights. And they still have to be closely supervised during play.

We went to a nearby baseball field to practice batting and running bases. It was pretty fun.

I'm looking forward to seeing how the twins grow and develop over the next few years as their talents emerge and they push beyond some of the behaviors that are holding them back. I think they both are quite capable in many areas. This year is a challenge because FCAT testing starts in third grade. Kayla is showing a lot of gaps in math, and her teacher is working with her on that. Both are signed up for their last year of Peanuts at Teen Missions, but if they fail the FCAT, they will have to go to summer school instead. Unfortunately, we won't know until almost time to go!

I am hopeful concerning the twins. I think they will do well in the long run. They are very mild compared to some of the problems the post earthquake kids are having. Plus we have started a day-by-day privilege system that seems to be working--at least for now.

Plans for summer for the twins include Peanut Camp, and possibly a trip to Wild Adventures. We used to live near it, but are about four hours from it now. It has both rides and a water park. It's smaller than the Orlando parks, and much less expensive.

The Littles

I have less "littles" than "big kids" anymore. I would love one more "little kid"--a boy near Jasmine's age, but most of you know about our woes with the state of Florida, particularly our county. And about us losing the same child twice, 18 months apart and also two others because our county insists on other counties filling out paperwork in the wrong order and they won't do it.

None the less, I am thankful for the kids I have and will focus on them. I wouldn't mind if God dropped another child on our doorstep. I would do another adoption from Haiti, but it is so much paperwork and expense, they are still taking 3+ years if you have birth kids (no matter their ages). 

So, on to the littles already here.

Jasmine isn't really a "little," she's kind of in the middle. She has had a busy summer--a brief visit to Sea World and Disney. The cruise. St. Louis and the Christian book convention. Indiana. Three weeks of band camp (only 1 hr 15 minutes four mornings a week). She was supposed to have summer lessons but the teacher ended up being gone four weeks so summer lessons have just started.

Jasmine is returning to the charter school for sevnth grade. She tested into advanced band, and we are hoping that works into her schedule. She has intensive math, and intensive only meets at one time slot so everything else has to be planned around that.

She has no activities planned for the school year other than drum lessons. She has decided not to continue with sports. She doesn't truly enjoy them. She may do one dance class, though.

I am excited to see all that this year holds for her.

Kaleb is returning to the public school he's been at since kindergarten. He has had a fairly good summer. It's been a growing time for him. He was sharing a room with Adam, and Adam would often do his work for him because Kaleb would act like he didn't know how to do it. It was just easier in Adam's mind for him to do it. 

With Adam gone and Tyler leaving for work at 6:00 a.m. and not getting home until after 6:30 p.m. (off at 4:30, but catches the trolley home), Kaleb has been required to do more of the work--sweeping his room each day, making his own bed (things he should have already been doing) plus helping with drying the dishes in additon to his trash job. More jobs also means more allowance too, though.

Kaleb continues to be an amazing runner although we don't have any races until the Plains Peanut Festival at the end of September unless something comes up. That's the one where former President Carter gives out the trophies. We ran in it last year. We hadn't run in it since moving to FL in 2004, so it was the twins first time.

Kayla has been having a good summer. She's done really well with behaviors and following rules other than the water incidents from soccer camp. She hasn't taken to swimming as much as the others, but perhaps next summer she'll just take off on swimming. We still have a few times left to go to the pool this summer, but the start of school is coming quickly. Two weeks from today (Tuesday).

We do not know yet where Kayla will go to school. She has been #1 on the third grade waiting list for the charter school since the school lottery last February. We are almost ready to start school and not one slot has opened up. That is very unusual for our area. The year Jasmine was going into 5th grade, she was 43rd on the list and made it in. The other branch of this school had opened and some parents put their children's names on both list so had to choose if their name was drawn by both schools.

If a child doesn't show up on the first day of school, they are dropped so Kayla might start there shortly after school starts.

There's a lot of unknows all around this fall, but we'll know more once  school begins, soccer sign takes place and the dance schedule is posted.

One Year Celebration

We had three kinds of pizza along with bread sticks.

Jeff was trying to get Kaleb to finish his math so he could play Wii. Wii is kind of our reward for the twins. It gets them up and moving.

Jasmine put off reading her three books this month, and now she's hustling to be done by Friday.

Adam doing Spanish homework.

Done with math, ready to play.

Licking the beaters from brownies.

Done with Spanish.

Tyler doesn't get home until 7:20 on Tuesdays.

The bigger kids play more sit down Wii games.

Come on guys, get up and get moving!

The twins have been home a year now. They've made a lot of progress. They know most of their letters and the sounds they make. They are learning numbers to 25 plus addition and subtraction. They are learning to blend words.

When they first came home, the twins only had one volume and that was loud.

Now they can regulate loudness according to the activity.

They would also do something they knew was wrong and run away laughing.

For the most part they follow the rules now. They know they will stand at the wall if they don't. Kayla has started taking treats and shows no remorse which is a little worrisome, but hopefully having to use her money to replace the treats will soon grow old. It might not bother her until we go to Universal next month though. The kids are saving souvenir and treat money for that, and she will not have as much.


When they came home, the twins did not interact appropriately all the time with other kids. They were used to every man for himself. Now they mostly share, take turns and interact well. They will occasionally hit, and unfortunately Kaleb will occasionally hit a teacher and not think anything of it.

Kaleb is quite immature in his social behaviors. Kayla a little but not as much as Kaleb. I can really see this during basketball practice. The kids will line up to do a skill. They will take their shot or whatever, then go to the back of the line. Kaleb will dance around, spin in circles and have his hands all over other people instead of standing in line. Kayla will too but not as much.
(I know boys can be more immature but in comparison to the other boys on the team he is wayyy immature).

At first the twins thought nothing of creating a scene in public. Several time we took them to long events (school or church concerts) but only had them stay a half hour because that was their attention span. Rick would try to have them walk out quietly while the rest of us stayed, but they would kick and scream, unbuckle in the car, kick his seat and scream all the way home. They have learned that those behaviors don't get good results, so that rarely happens anymore. (If they did that, they would have to go immediately to bed with no snacks or books).

Both twins realize that we are their family. They are pretty good about not interacting with strangers, but the problem is that even though we tell kids not to talk to adults they don't know, adults who don't know the kids will come up and try to engage them. ALL. THE. TIME. Yes, sometimes I am rude because I try to steer the kids away, but the adult persists. If the twins engage with them I will say, "Do you know this man/woman?" loudly. And walk them away.

I know the people think I am rude. This is a really big problem at places like Universal or Islands of Adventure. I have made it a rule never to talk to child, only to the parent. If the parent and I have talked for a while like while we are standing in a long line, then I might say something to the child. But mostly not since we try so hard to teach them not to talk to strangers and I'm still a stranger even after standing in line together for a half hour. If a child talks to me, I steer the child back to his parents and remind him that he doesn't know me. This may sound overboard, but this is a case when it's better safe than sorry.

The twins tie their shoes, ride bikes without training wheels, make their beds and pick up their stuff. All the normal kid stuff. So all in all they are doing really well. They just don't have the experience in always knowing what is expected of them in certain situations, because they haven't encountered them before.

I am happy with the twins' progress and I know this coming year will be one of more growth and new experiences.

Kaleb

Kaleb is social but is sometimes slow to catch on to things (but not Wii). Sometimes he just doesn't get it. Since we're in an accelerated public school, it will be interesting to see how things go when he starts kindergarten next year. He has lots of people to help him both at school and at home.

Kaleb has less energy than Kayla and wears out easily!! I think he'll get up to speed. He may have not been very active at the O. He tends to just sit unless urged to get up and do something. He will just sit down on the trampoline while the others are playing on it.

This is Kaleb's favorite part of soccer!

Kaleb has come a long way. He understands the routine. He interacts with the children at his preschool. I get the feeling that he will need extra help in school because he seems to be running behind, but I've thought that since I first met him in
May 2007 and it doesn't at all change how we feel about him or his value to us. He may just have missed out on common sense. Who knows?

Kaleb is a sweetie and affectionate but he can be very stubborn and throw quite a fit. He gets a major attitude when put in time out, but he gets over it.

I'm looking forward to doing some new things with the twins this summer. We are driving up to northern IN and it will be the first real trip with them. We actually have a lot of fun on long drives because we stop along the way to see whatever we want and whatever looks interesting. So, it's really as much about the journey as the destination.

Kayla

She's the youngest. She's smart and she's sassy. She can be really well behaved and she can throw a good fit--like last night. She sat so nicely during most of Jessica's sign language show mesmerized by the music, but when I asked her not to lean on the lady's chair in front of her she got an attitude and turned sideways and put her feet in the aisle.


No problem. She was still sitting very quietly. Then I suggest that Rick take the twins home before the show ended. When they realized they were leaving, they both threw fits.


Rick had to pick both up and carry them out while they kicked and protested, they wouldn't get in car seats and then unfastened the seat belts multiple times, kicked the back of his seat etc. Guess who didn't get to walk to the gas station for weekly treats today??? Normally Jessica takes them on Tues or Wed but it's been a crazy week.






Sometimes I'm amazed at how well Kayla fits in. She knows the routine, and she's more responsible than my teens at times! She will get the rag and wipe their little table after a meal if there is anything spilled on it. She doesn't like milk or vegetables, but she enjoys most other food. I serve her the vegetables first so she eats them to get the main meal. She loves rice and black beans. We have an easy recipe that I make for lunch occasionally.

(The white child is not mine)

Kayla is a lot more active and energetic than Kaleb. She likes to play on the trampoline and she does well at soccer each week. Occasionally we have some boundary issues with the other coach, but he does not encourage it. And I correct her in creole so other parents don't understand what I'm telling her and just think I'm saying something about the game.

It was beautiful weather today. The little ones were playing a game where they jumped over the sprinkler.

Looking Back

on three months home.

The longest labor ever.


Finally ready to go after being in the airport 36 hours and 20 min

Trip home.

Television interview as soon as we got home. We were coherent--somewhat.